Disappointment – When reality is not what we hoped for

Someone does not get in touch when we need them to. Work we have put considerable effort into does not lead where we had hoped. We notice that, once again, we have agreed to something we wanted to say no to. Disappointment can arise in small everyday moments and in circumstances that shape an entire life. Something we hoped for, needed or counted on turned out differently.

Sometimes we know immediately what we are disappointed about. At other times, it surfaces as irritation, silence or a reluctance to try again. Behind the reaction may be a hope we were barely aware of until it went unfulfilled.

This is a short text about disappointment in others, in ourselves and in a life that has not turned out as we hoped. I explore what disappointment can hold, how it shapes the way we see ourselves and others, and how that view can change over time.

What is disappointment?

Disappointment arises in the distance between what we hoped for and what actually happens. We had imagined something that mattered to us: being understood, being given an opportunity, succeeding at a task or being able to trust someone. When it does not happen, whatever that hope meant to us is also affected.

The feeling can encompass sadness, anger, wounded pride and powerlessness. We may feel sad about what did not happen and, at the same time, angry that someone could have acted differently.

Sometimes there is also shame about having hoped for so much, or about still longing for something that others seem to take for granted.

An expectation may rest on an explicit promise or agreement. It may also have developed through past experiences, shared habits or our ideas about what a relationship should be like. It is therefore not always clear what the disappointment concerns. Not receiving an invitation, for example, may evoke sadness about a friendship that has long felt uncertain.

Disappointment tells us something about our experience and what is at stake for us. At the same time, there may be several ways to understand what happened. Feeling rejected is painful, even when the other person’s intentions remain unclear.

Being disappointed in others

Disappointment in another person often arises when something in the relationship was not met with the response we had hoped for. Someone did not turn up, listen or keep their promise. But it can also concern something less visible: not feeling seen, prioritised or worthy of consideration.

When we have trusted someone, disappointment can change how we see them.

“I thought I could count on you.”

What hurts is both the event itself and the uncertainty that follows:

“What can I expect from you?”“What does our relationship mean to you?”

It can be difficult to show how much another person matters to us. Instead of expressing our disappointment, we may become critical, give brief replies or withdraw. One person repeatedly seeks reassurance that they matter. Another explains away what happened and becomes even more accommodating, afraid of losing the connection as well. The other person may then encounter our coldness or our efforts to accommodate them without understanding what lies behind either response.

Sometimes an expectation has never been expressed. In other cases, it has been voiced many times without a response. Not every disappointment can therefore be understood as a misunderstanding. A breach of trust or repeated betrayal also raises questions about the terms of the relationship and whether trust can be restored.

Being disappointed in ourselves

“I should have understood. I should have said something. Why did I do that again?”

When we are disappointed in ourselves, we compare what we did with what we wish we had done. We may have hurt someone, avoided an important conversation or passed up something we longed for. Disappointment can also concern our abilities: we thought we would have more energy, do better or have come further by now.

Here, disappointment, guilt, shame and regret can be closely intertwined. Regret often centres on a choice we made and the thought that a different decision might have produced a different outcome. Disappointment can be broader, concerning both the outcome and our understanding of ourselves.

Sometimes there is something specific to take responsibility for. But self-criticism can also become sweeping. A particular action turns into a judgement of the whole person:

“I’m a coward.”“I always ruin things.”

“I’ll never be able to do this.”

It then becomes harder to distinguish what actually happened, what responsibility we had and what limitations were present.

With hindsight, we also know things we did not know at the time. We see the consequences of our decision, but may find it harder to remember the uncertainty, fear or tiredness we felt when we made it. We judge our earlier selves with a clarity that only came later. The expectation that we should always be able to understand, anticipate and manage may itself be part of what makes the disappointment so harsh.

When life did not turn out as we hoped

Some disappointment has no clear recipient. It concerns a relationship that never became possible, a working life that did not offer what we were looking for, or years shaped by circumstances we had not chosen.

An imagined life may have been with us for a long time: someone to share everyday life with, a family, creative work or more time and freedom. Even when no one has promised us these things, losing the possibility can be painful. We can miss something that never had the chance to become real.

It can be difficult to talk about this kind of disappointment. We may think we should be grateful for what we have, or that others are worse off. Admitting that life does not match what we imagined can also feel shameful.

Appreciation and disappointment can coexist. We can value our lives and still grieve something that is missing. Sometimes the possibility remains, though in a different form. Other things can no longer be recovered. Disappointment may then give way to grief over what never came to be, and over the limits of life that we do not get to determine.

When disappointment lingers

After repeated disappointments, our expectations of both others and ourselves can change. We expect to be let down, stop trying or hold back what matters to us. It makes no difference anyway can become our way of relating to things that once engaged us.

This stance can protect us from being hurt again. At the same time, it can make it difficult to notice when someone does show care, or when a new situation holds different possibilities. Past experiences remain present in what is happening now.

Disappointment can also linger as recurring thoughts about what someone should have done or how life should have turned out. There may be something unresolved: responsibility that was never acknowledged, a loss that was never given room or a longing that is still alive.

Within a relationship, it matters whether disappointment can be heard and acknowledged. Someone listening, recognising their part and showing concern for the consequences can change our experience of what happened. In other relationships, that response never comes. Part of the pain may then lie in also having to relinquish the hope that the other person will one day understand.

Reflection

I think disappointment often reveals how much we have allowed ourselves to hope, sometimes without quite realising it. It also reveals what matters to us.

We had counted on another person, imagined that we ourselves or the possibilities available to us would be different, or hoped that life would leave room for something we longed for. When things do not turn out as we hoped, judgements can come quickly: about the other person, ourselves or life as a whole.

Behind them may lie a more vulnerable experience of something deeply important having gone unanswered. That experience may need room for a while, even when we do not yet know what it means for how we want to live or relate to one another.

Sometimes it feels as though the rug has been pulled out from under our feet. We are shaken. What we counted on no longer holds, and our understanding of life needs to change. This can be painful, but also liberating when we no longer have to hold on to an expectation that reality does not fulfil.

Over time, our view of what happened may also broaden. What at first seemed to say everything about another person, ourselves or the future may take on more nuance. Disappointment may still be there, while other things begin to matter again and the future no longer seems so predetermined.

– Maria Sandgren

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