Loneliness – Our longing for closeness and belonging
Loneliness is part of life, but it can take many different forms. We can be alone without feeling lonely and experience profound loneliness even when we have people around us.
Longing for connection and belonging is deeply human. When the connection we need is missing, loneliness can affect both our well-being and how we see ourselves and others. At the same time, loneliness is not necessarily about how many people we have around us. It may instead concern the quality of our relationships and whether we experience a sense of belonging.
Here you can read more about loneliness, closeness, and what may help us create more meaningful connections with others.
What is loneliness?
Loneliness is not only about being by ourselves. We may enjoy being alone and actively seek moments of solitude, while involuntary loneliness can be painful.
What matters most is how we experience our relationships. We may lack someone with whom to share everyday life, long for a close relationship, or feel that we do not truly belong anywhere. A distinction is therefore often made between different forms of loneliness, including social and emotional loneliness.
A reflection
What are we actually missing when we feel lonely? We can feel lonely in the company of others, or lonely in our solitude.
Solitude may feel easy and liberating to one person, while for another it evokes intense anxiety and a need to quickly fill the time with activities and social encounters. In the same way, the presence of others may provide a sense of security for one person while feeling filled with demands to adapt for someone else.
Sometimes what we lack is quite concrete: people around us. Their physical presence can create a sense of community even when we are not close to one another. At a workplace, for example, we may appreciate having our colleagues there. The space is filled with life, and even when we are not constantly talking, simply knowing that others are present may matter.
At other times, what we lack is closeness, understanding, or the feeling that we matter to someone. Loneliness is then less about the number of people around us and more about the qualities of our relationships—their depth, closeness, mutuality, and trust.
Understanding the kind of closeness we long for
It can therefore be helpful to try to understand our own loneliness rather than simply note that it is there. What are we actually longing for, and what would make a difference?
Our needs may also change over time. Sometimes we would prefer to meet someone who knows us well and have less desire or energy to form new connections. At other times, we may long for a wider social context.
There is also an important difference between choosing solitude and having no alternatives. For someone who has relationships and social settings to choose among, solitude can be an active choice. A person who lacks friendships, acquaintances, or a sense of community does not have the same opportunity to choose closeness or decide to step away from it.
Questions that may help us understand our own experience of loneliness include: What kind of connection do I long for? Are there people around me whom I would like to know more closely? Or am I missing a community in which I feel that I belong?
– Maria Sandgren
Further readings
This text draws on my clinical experience as a psychologist, together with research on loneliness, relationships, attachment, belonging, and mental health. Below is a selection of books and scientific articles for those who would like to explore the subject further.
The books are listed under their Swedish titles and reflect the literature on loneliness and human connection with which I am most familiar; the research sources included here are primarily in English. The psychological books explore our need for belonging and close relationships, as well as how earlier experiences may affect our trust in others and the ways in which we seek or avoid closeness. Some also consider the distinction between being alone and feeling lonely, and how the capacity for solitude can coexist with our need for other people.
Loneliness is also a recurring theme in fiction and essays. Alongside the psychological literature, I have therefore included a selection of novels, stories, and essays that portray experiences of loneliness, exclusion, solitude, and longing for connection in different ways. The titles are listed in Swedish, but some of these works are also available in English translation. Readers who prefer to read them in English can look up the published English titles and available editions.
The research references examine the distinction between feeling lonely and being socially isolated, as well as different forms of loneliness. They also describe the emotional experience of loneliness, including sadness, fear, and emptiness, and deepen our understanding of existential loneliness as an experience of separation from other people and the surrounding world.
If your loneliness has become prolonged, feels difficult to bear, affects your well-being, or makes it hard to find the closeness and community you want, it may be helpful to seek support from a licensed psychologist
Books (in Swedish)
Att vinna över ensamheten: psykologens bästa råd – Anna Bennich
Ensam i en värld full av människor – Stefan Ekberg
Den livsfarliga tystnaden – Ullakarin Nyberg & Anna Lagerblad
179 år av ensamhet – Linda Portnoff och Jenny Lantz
Att höra till: om ensamhet och gemenskap – Peter Strang
Ut ur ensamheten – Martina Wolf-Arehult
Loneliness in fiction and essays
Om uträkning av omfång 1 – Solvej Balle
Väggen – Marlen Haushofer
Granhäcken: Om ensamheter – Nora Hämäläinen (essä)
Vem ska trösta Knyttet? – Tove Jansson
Den ensamma staden – Olivia Laing (essä)
Alberte och friheten – Cora Sandel
Vill du har fler förslag på skönlitterära böcker om ensamhet så hittar du dem i det avslutande avsnittet längst ned.
What research shows
Feeling lonely is not the same as being socially isolated. Research describes different forms of loneliness, including social, emotional, and existential loneliness.
A study on experiences of loneliness. Loneliness can feel sad and frightening and may involve feelings of emptiness. Experiences of loneliness can also resemble boredom.
A study on existential loneliness. Existential loneliness can arise from a sense of being separated from others and from the world around us. It may involve feelings of sadness, emptiness, and exclusion.
Alone together with others
Having people around us does not always protect us from loneliness. We may have family, colleagues, friends, or a partner and still feel that something important is missing.
Closeness is not only about how often we meet or how much time we spend together. It is also about what happens between us. Can we show something of ourselves? Is there an interest in the other person’s experience? Is there room in the relationship for what matters to us?
We can therefore feel lonely even in close relationships. Sometimes everyday life functions well and there is both care and loyalty, while the emotional exchange has become limited. We may talk about what needs to be done but less often about what we long for, worry about, or feel moved by.
A reflection
Allowing ourselves to be seen
What allows us to feel close to another person? What creates a sense of connection?
Closeness does not require us to tell each other everything or constantly have profound conversations. It often develops through small moments of mutuality: someone asks another question when we tell them something, remembers what we have said before, or notices that something has happened to us.
At the same time, to feel seen, we need to allow something of ourselves to become visible. This involves a degree of vulnerability. If, out of fear of rejection, criticism, or misunderstanding, we constantly adapt to the other person, we may spend a great deal of time with someone without being fully present ourselves in the relationship.
Feeling lonely in the company of others may therefore tell us not only something about the relationships we have, but also invite us to consider how we are within them.
Can I show what I feel and think? Is there room for differences between us? Am I interested in the other person’s experiences, and do I experience the same interest in return? Can we reach one another when something feels difficult?
Perhaps closeness arises not primarily through how much time we share, but through the experience that there is a place where something of ourselves can be received by another person.
Closeness can take different forms
The way this sense of closeness develops also differs between people. Some like to talk and come to know another person in that way. Others are content to do things together and experience companionship and trust through shared activities.
Who the other person is also matters. With some people, we may long for greater closeness even though, for different reasons, it may not be possible. We can still appreciate what we are able to share and the way we can be together, even when the wish for greater closeness remains.
We can also think about ourselves in the same way. We are not identical in all our relationships. Different aspects of us are given space with different people, and the degree of closeness may vary. This does not have to mean that something is wrong. It is part of how relationships work.
No single relationship needs to contain every aspect of who we are or meet all our needs for closeness.
– Maria Sandgren
Further reading
This text draws on my clinical experience as a psychologist, together with research on loneliness, relationships, attachment, belonging, and mental health. Below is a selection of books and scientific articles for those who would like to explore the subject further.
The books are listed under their Swedish titles and reflect the literature on loneliness and human connection with which I am most familiar; the research sources included here are primarily in English. The psychological books explore our need for belonging and close relationships, as well as how earlier experiences may affect our trust in others and the ways in which we seek or avoid closeness. Some also consider the distinction between being alone and feeling lonely, and how the capacity for solitude can coexist with our need for other people.
Loneliness is also a recurring theme in fiction and essays. Alongside the psychological literature, I have therefore included a selection of novels, stories, and essays that portray experiences of loneliness, exclusion, solitude, and longing for connection in different ways. The titles are listed in Swedish, but some of these works are also available in English translation. Readers who prefer to read them in English can look up the published English titles and available editions.
The research references examine what characterizes the experience of social connection and closeness, including security, acceptance, and belonging. They also describe how sharing perspectives, experiences, and emotions may contribute to mutual understanding and deepen relationships.
If your loneliness has become prolonged, feels difficult to bear, affects your well-being, or makes it hard to find the closeness and community you want, it may be helpful to seek support from a licensed psychologist.
Books (in Swedish)
Att vinna över ensamheten: psykologens bästa råd – Anna Bennich
Ensam i en värld full av människor – Stefan Ekberg
Den livsfarliga tystnaden – Ullakarin Nyberg & Anna Lagerblad
179 år av ensamhet – Linda Portnoff och Jenny Lantz
Att höra till: om ensamhet och gemenskap – Peter Strang
Ut ur ensamheten – Martina Wolf-Arehult
Loneliness in fiction and essays
Om uträkning av omfång 1 – Solvej Balle
Väggen – Marlen Haushofer
Granhäcken: Om ensamheter – Nora Hämäläinen (essä)
Vem ska trösta Knyttet? – Tove Jansson
Den ensamma staden – Olivia Laing (essä)
Alberte och friheten – Cora Sandel
More recommendations for fiction about loneliness can be found in the final section below.
What research shows
A study on experiences of social connection. Feeling socially connected to others can involve experiences of closeness, safety, acceptance, and belonging. The experience of connection is related to, but not the same as, feeling that one has social support.
A study on how a sense of connection and mutuality develops. Sharing perspectives, experiences, and emotions with others can contribute to a sense of shared understanding and strengthen bonds between people. Research on social connection shows how such mutual experiences can contribute to deeper relationships.
When loneliness becomes a pattern
Loneliness is not always only a consequence of our external circumstances. When it has been present for a long time, it may also begin to affect how we interpret social situations and how we behave with other people.
Someone who has repeatedly felt rejected or excluded may become more alert to signs that it is about to happen again. An unanswered message, a brief comment, or someone who seems distracted may take on great significance. For another person, the same events may simply pass as part of the flow of encounters during the day. If something still feels wrong, they may be able to ask about it or return to it later.
When trust in others is fragile, however, uncertainty may become more difficult to bear. We may begin to protect ourselves by withdrawing, not asking questions, not sharing, or avoiding showing that we actually want contact. Closeness itself may evoke fear and cause us to create distance.
When experiences affect trust
There may be good reasons why trust has become fragile. A child may not have received the security and closeness they needed from their parents, or may have been bullied and excluded by other children. Later in life, being mistreated by a partner or disregarded in other important relationships may weaken trust further.
If your loneliness has become prolonged, feels difficult to bear, affects your well-being, or makes it hard to find the closeness and community you want, it may be helpful to seek support from a licensed psychologist.
Hur kan det märkas i vuxna relationer?
Trust and closeness
It may be difficult to trust that other people will remain emotionally available. A fear of being abandoned, being too much, being too demanding, or becoming a burden may remain in the background. This can cause us to avoid closeness or withdraw quickly when something feels uncomfortable between us.
Emotions and needs
It may also be difficult to recognize and express what we ourselves need. We minimize our own experience: “I’m overreacting” or “Why am I responding this way?” At the same time, we may become highly attentive to what other people need and to making sure that we are not a burden.
Over time, an imbalance may develop. We listen, ask questions, and provide care, but have little expectation that others will do the same for us. Relationships may then begin to feel exhausting or empty: “I listen and ask questions, but receive nothing in return.” This may be particularly painful when the relationship is with someone we care about deeply.
When something goes wrong between us
Small misunderstandings may be experienced as serious threats to the relationship: “What did I do?” “I shouldn’t have said that,” or “What if I have ruined something now?”
Instead of asking what happened or trying to resolve the misunderstanding, we may withdraw. It then becomes more difficult to discover that relationships can withstand conflict and that connection can be restored after something has gone wrong.
Self-worth and integrity
Disregarding ourselves and becoming highly oriented toward what the other person needs may gradually develop into a pattern. It can become more difficult to recognize what we ourselves want, value, and need—and to distinguish between what belongs to me, what belongs to the other person, and what we need to resolve together.
We may then remain in relationships in which we are overly compliant and our own needs are neglected. Paradoxically, the attempt to preserve the relationship may contribute to our feeling lonely within it.
A reflection
What once helped us protect ourselves from rejection may also make it more difficult to find the connection we long for.
Recognizing such patterns does not mean that we have caused our own loneliness. On the contrary, these patterns may once have been understandable ways of managing real experiences. But what was necessary or helpful then may no longer be helpful now.
Perhaps change begins when we become better able to distinguish between what is happening in the relationship here and now and what our earlier experiences have taught us to expect will happen.
– Maria Sandgren
Further reading
Den här texten utgår från min kliniska erfarenhet som psykolog tillsammans med forskning om This text draws on my clinical experience as a psychologist, together with research on loneliness, relationships, attachment, belonging, and mental health. Below is a selection of books and scientific articles for those who would like to explore the subject further.
The books are listed under their Swedish titles and reflect the literature on loneliness and human connection with which I am most familiar; the research sources included here are primarily in English. The psychological books explore our need for belonging and close relationships, as well as how earlier experiences may affect our trust in others and the ways in which we seek or avoid closeness. Some also consider the distinction between being alone and feeling lonely, and how the capacity for solitude can coexist with our need for other people.
Loneliness is also a recurring theme in fiction and essays. Alongside the psychological literature, I have therefore included a selection of novels, stories, and essays that portray experiences of loneliness, exclusion, solitude, and longing for connection in different ways. The titles are listed in Swedish, but some of these works are also available in English translation. Readers who prefer to read them in English can look up the published English titles and available editions.
The research references examine emotional neglect during childhood and how insufficient emotional care may affect development. They also describe associations between childhood neglect, insecure attachment patterns, and psychological well-being later in life.
If your loneliness has become prolonged, feels difficult to bear, affects your well-being, or makes it hard to find the closeness and commu
Books (in Swedish)
Att vinna över ensamheten: psykologens bästa råd – Anna Bennich
Ensam i en värld full av människor – Stefan Ekberg
Den livsfarliga tystnaden – Ullakarin Nyberg & Anna Lagerblad
179 år av ensamhet – Linda Portnoff och Jenny Lantz
Att höra till: om ensamhet och gemenskap – Peter Strang
Ut ur ensamheten – Martina Wolf-Arehult
Loneliness in fiction and essays
Om uträkning av omfång 1 – Solvej Balle
Väggen – Marlen Haushofer
Granhäcken: Om ensamheter – Nora Hämäläinen (essä)
Vem ska trösta Knyttet? – Tove Jansson
Den ensamma staden – Olivia Laing (essä)
Alberte och friheten – Cora Sandel
More recommendations for fiction about loneliness can be found in the final section below.
What research shows
A report on the consequences of emotional neglect in childhood. Emotional neglect in childhood means that a child’s emotional and psychological needs are not adequately met. Parents or other caregivers may, for example, be emotionally unavailable, and the child may not receive the attention, guidance, and validation they need.
A study on the consequences of childhood neglect for relationships in adulthood. Childhood neglect can have long-term implications for attachment patterns in adulthood. Insecure attachment was, in turn, associated with higher levels of anxiety and depression and lower self-esteem in adulthood.
What makes closeness possible?
Closeness rarely develops simply because we spend time together. For a relationship to deepen, we gradually need to be able to show more of ourselves while also taking an interest in the other person’s experiences. We might describe this as experiencing a sense of connection.
It may involve something as simple as saying that something during the day made us happy, that we are worried about something, or that we missed the other person. When we share what we feel, think, want, or need, we give the other person an opportunity to know us.
Closeness is created in the exchange between us
It may be as simple as no longer holding ourselves back in small, everyday encounters.
Opening up may also be difficult when we have been withdrawn for a long time in a relationship that matters deeply to us. It can be challenging to show more interest in another person than we usually do when we have previously been more reserved.
Closeness also depends on how what we express is received. Does the other person become curious? Do they ask further questions? Do they try to understand? Can we do the same when someone shares something with us? We also need to remain with the experience of thinking and feeling in response to what the other person has shown us, without recoiling and retreating into our shell again.
In this way, closeness develops through an exchange between people.
Daring to show what matters
Expressing what we feel and need involves a certain degree of vulnerability. We do not know in advance how the other person will respond.
For someone whose emotions and needs were not acknowledged early in life, this can be particularly difficult. Emotional neglect is partly about what did not happen: the child’s signals were not noticed, their emotions were not reflected, or their needs did not receive sufficient response.
The child may then learn to suppress or avoid what they feel and instead become attentive to what others need and appreciate. As an adult, it may be difficult even to identify one’s own experience, let alone express it to someone else.
This creates a paradox: we may long for someone to come close while at the same time finding it difficult to reveal what the other person would need access to in order to get to know us.
Closeness without losing yourself
Being close to someone does not, however, mean that the boundaries between two people should disappear.
We can have different views, want different things, and sometimes disappoint each other. Closeness does not mean constant agreement. On the contrary, an important part of a close relationship can be the experience that “I can be myself” and “you can be yourself” – and that “we can still remain connected.”
A reflection
What do we actually share with the people closest to us?
It is easy to think that closeness is mainly about how much time we spend together or how well we know the details of one another’s lives. But perhaps part of closeness concerns something else: our inner experiences being allowed to exist within the relationship. We do not need to reveal everything about who we are—this is rarely necessary—but we need to be able to experience our own worth and share what connects us with the other person.
This does not mean that everything must be said or shared. We choose different degrees of closeness in different relationships. But for someone to know us, something of what we feel, think, want, and need must be able to become visible.
And we need to be able to encounter something of the same in the other person.
– Maria Sandgren
Further reading
This text draws on my clinical experience as a psychologist, together with research on loneliness, relationships, attachment, belonging, and mental health. Below is a selection of books and scientific articles for those who would like to explore the subject further.
The books are listed under their Swedish titles and reflect the literature on loneliness and human connection with which I am most familiar; the research sources included here are primarily in English. The psychological books explore our need for belonging and close relationships, as well as how earlier experiences may affect our trust in others and the ways in which we seek or avoid closeness. Some also consider the distinction between being alone and feeling lonely, and how the capacity for solitude can coexist with our need for other people.
Loneliness is also a recurring theme in fiction and essays. Alongside the psychological literature, I have therefore included a selection of novels, stories, and essays that portray experiences of loneliness, exclusion, solitude, and longing for connection in different ways. The titles are listed in Swedish, but some of these works are also available in English translation. Readers who prefer to read them in English can look up the published English titles and available editions.
The research articles examine loneliness and social connection from different perspectives—from the different forms and experiences of loneliness to our fundamental need for belonging and close relationships. They also describe how earlier relational experiences may influence the ways in which we approach others and which qualities help us experience closeness, belonging, and connection with other people.
If your loneliness has become prolonged, feels difficult to bear, affects your well-being, or makes it hard to find the closeness and commu
Books (in Swedish)
Att vinna över ensamheten: psykologens bästa råd – Anna Bennich
Ensam i en värld full av människor – Stefan Ekberg
Den livsfarliga tystnaden – Ullakarin Nyberg & Anna Lagerblad
179 år av ensamhet – Linda Portnoff och Jenny Lantz
Att höra till: om ensamhet och gemenskap – Peter Strang
Ut ur ensamheten – Martina Wolf-Arehult
Loneliness in fiction and essays
Om uträkning av omfång 1 – Solvej Balle
Väggen – Marlen Haushofer
Granhäcken: Om ensamheter – Nora Hämäläinen (essä)
Vem ska trösta Knyttet? – Tove Jansson
Den ensamma staden – Olivia Laing (essä)
Alberte och friheten – Cora Sandel
More recommendations for fiction about loneliness can be found in the final section below.
What research shows
A study on the need to belong as a fundamental human need. The need to belong has been described as a fundamental human need. We are motivated to form and maintain lasting and meaningful relationships, in which both recurring positive interactions and the experience of a stable relational bond are important.
A study on what it feels like to experience connection with another person. Feeling socially connected to another person involves several aspects. In addition to closeness, the experience may involve feeling similar to the other person, feeling accepted, and feeling that the other person cares about us.
How can loneliness change?
Understanding the kind of connection we are looking for
When we feel lonely, it is natural to think that the solution is to meet more people. Sometimes that is exactly what is needed. But having more social contacts does not automatically mean feeling less lonely.
Change may also involve understanding what kinds of relationships and community we are missing, which possibilities already exist around us, and what may be preventing us from approaching other people.
Are we looking for a community centered on a particular interest because we have felt alone in that part of our lives?
Are we seeking a close relationship with someone we can build a life with—someone we can trust?
Are we looking for anyone at all, simply so that we do not have to be alone?
Are we looking for a community based on a shared interest because we want that particular kind of exchange, without necessarily becoming friends? A community of interest can have value in itself.
Are we longing for closeness and connection with people from whom we have become distant? Friends who have disappeared from our lives over the years? Parents or siblings we no longer feel we know?
Are we seeking closeness and connection with people from whom we have grown distant? Friends who have drifted away over the years? Parents or siblings we no longer really know?
Taking steps towards connection
For some, the next step may be to seek out new social contexts. For others, it may be to deepen a relationship that already exists.
We may want to break out of isolation if we have few, or hardly any, people around us. We may want to feel less alone and become part of a community. Our situations differ, and taking steps towards connection can be more challenging for someone who is isolated and feels excluded than for someone who feels lonely in the company of others.
Whatever path we take, and whatever challenges we face, showing an interest in the other person and in what we do together is something we can develop and engage in, while also being attentive to how our efforts are received. It may also take patience, taking small steps at a time.
A reflection
The path out of loneliness does not necessarily have to begin with the question:
How can I have more people around me?
Another question might be:
What kind of connection do I long for?
When we better understand what we are missing, it also becomes easier to see what might change. We may be longing for community, friendship, love, mutuality, or simply a few people and social settings in which we feel that our presence matters.
Perhaps there is no contradiction between being able to be alone and being able to be close to others. Being by ourselves without feeling abandoned and being able to seek others when we long for connection may be two aspects of the same psychological freedom.
– Maria Sandgren
Further reading
This text draws on my clinical experience as a psychologist, together with research on loneliness, relationships, attachment, belonging, and mental health. Below is a selection of books and scientific articles for those who would like to explore the subject further.
The books are listed under their Swedish titles and reflect the literature on loneliness and human connection with which I am most familiar; the research sources included here are primarily in English. The psychological books explore our need for belonging and close relationships, as well as how earlier experiences may affect our trust in others and the ways in which we seek or avoid closeness. Some also consider the distinction between being alone and feeling lonely, and how the capacity for solitude can coexist with our need for other people.
Loneliness is also a recurring theme in fiction and essays. Alongside the psychological literature, I have therefore included a selection of novels, stories, and essays that portray experiences of loneliness, exclusion, solitude, and longing for connection in different ways. The titles are listed in Swedish, but some of these works are also available in English translation. Readers who prefer to read them in English can look up the published English titles and available editions.
The research references examine different aspects of social connection and factors that may help reduce loneliness and isolation, including social contact, belonging, social support, and social integration. They also describe associations between loneliness, social isolation, and mental health difficulties in different age groups.
If your loneliness has become prolonged, feels difficult to bear, affects your well-being, or makes it hard to find the closeness and commu
Books (in Swedish)
Att vinna över ensamheten: psykologens bästa råd – Anna Bennich
Ensam i en värld full av människor – Stefan Ekberg
Den livsfarliga tystnaden – Ullakarin Nyberg & Anna Lagerblad
179 år av ensamhet – Linda Portnoff och Jenny Lantz
Att höra till: om ensamhet och gemenskap – Peter Strang
Ut ur ensamheten – Martina Wolf-Arehult
Loneliness in fiction and essays
Om uträkning av omfång 1 – Solvej Balle
Väggen – Marlen Haushofer
Granhäcken: Om ensamheter – Nora Hämäläinen (essä)
Vem ska trösta Knyttet? – Tove Jansson
Den ensamma staden – Olivia Laing (essä)
Alberte och friheten – Cora Sandel
More books (fiction) on loneliness
Aftonland – Therese Bohman
Löpa varg – Kerstin Ekman
Dagar av ensamhet – Elena Ferrante
Jag ringer mina bröder – Jonas Hassen Khemiri
Kärlekens historia – Nicole Krauss
Märit – Astrid Lindgren
Norwegian Wood – Haruki Murakami
Glaskupan – Sylvia Plath
Tranorna flyger söderut – Lisa Ridzén
Normala människor – Sally Rooney
What research shows
Research uses several concepts to describe social connection and a sense of belonging. These include social connectedness, belonging, social support, and social integration. The concepts overlap but describe different aspects of our relationships with others and the social contexts of which we are part.
Loneliness and social isolation are also associated with mental health problems. Such associations have been found among adolescents and young adults as well as among older adults.
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If something in this text resonates with your own situation and you would like to make a change in your life, you are welcome to book an initial session.
