Grief – Living on after a loss
Updated: 2 days ago
Grief is a natural part of being human. We grieve when we lose someone or something that has mattered to us—a person, a relationship, our health, a job, or a future we had imagined. Loss changes us, but it does not have to mean that life comes to a halt.
Grief rarely follows a straight path. It changes over time and affects our emotions, bodies, thoughts, and relationships. In therapy, the aim is not to take grief away, but to understand it and gradually find one’s bearings in a life changed by loss.
In five sections, I explore how grief changes our emotions, relationships, and everyday life, why grief can take different forms, how we gradually find our way in a life changed by loss, and how therapy can help when grief becomes difficult to bear.
When life is changed by loss
Grief arises when we lose someone or something that has mattered to us. It speaks of the bond that existed and of the fact that life no longer looks as it once did. There is therefore no “right” amount of grief. Two people may experience the same kind of loss and respond in entirely different ways, depending on the relationship, their circumstances, and their earlier experiences.
Grief is not only a response to death. We may also grieve a separation, involuntary childlessness, illness, the loss of our ability to work, a changed identity, or a future that did not become what we had imagined.
What these experiences have in common is that we gradually need to find our bearings in a life changed by loss.
A reflection
Grief is the price we pay for something having mattered. It therefore often tells us as much about love, attachment, and meaning as it does about the loss itself. Grieving is not a sign of weakness, but an expression of our capacity to form bonds with other people and with life.
Perhaps this is also why grief changes our understanding of who we are and what truly matters.
– Maria Sandgren
Further reading
This text draws on my clinical experience as a psychologist, together with research on emotions, relationships, well-being, and mental health. Below is a selection of books and scientific articles for those who would like to explore the subject further.
The books listed below are in Swedish. They reflect the literature on grief with which I am most familiar; the English-language sources included here are primarily research articles. Grief has been explored in psychology, medicine, philosophy, and literature. Psychological research helps us understand how people adapt following a loss, while literature often captures the inner experience of how the world changes when someone or something important is no longer there.
The research articles examine, among other things, how people adapt to loss over time, how grief affects identity and one’s sense of the future, and which factors may support long-term recovery.
If your grief has become overwhelming, does not change over time, or makes it difficult to function in everyday life, it may be helpful to seek support from a licensed psychologist.
Books (in Swedish)
Förluster. Om sorg och livsomställning – Barbro Lennéer Axelson
Den dolda sorgen. Hälsokonsekvenser vid anhörigförlust – Mikael Rostila
What research shows
A study on the grieving process. Grief and mourning can be an intense and all-encompassing period of processing emotions and adapting to a major change in life.
A study on grief as a process of change. The grieving process involves adjusting to a different kind of future.
Why does grief look different for different people?
Some people cry a great deal, while others do not cry at all. Some feel an intense sense of longing, while others experience mainly emptiness, anxiety, or irritation. Grief may also come in waves, with periods of great intensity followed by days when it is barely noticeable.
Grief is painful because we both feel the loss and continue to carry the relationship within us. In our thoughts, we spend time with the person we have lost and may find comfort in a memory for a moment. Then, in the next moment, their absence becomes palpable again. Grief is often felt most intensely in this movement between presence and absence.
How we grieve is influenced by our relationship with the person or part of life we have lost, our earlier experiences of separation, and how we have learned throughout life to encounter and express our emotions. There is therefore no predetermined path through grief and no timeline that applies to everyone.
A reflection
Many people worry that they are grieving in the “wrong” way. But grief rarely follows a set pattern. What matters is not whether grief looks a particular way, but whether it gradually finds a place in life where both the sense of loss and all that still remains can exist at the same time.
– Maria Sandgren
Further reading
This text draws on my clinical experience as a psychologist, together with research on emotions, relationships, well-being, and mental health. Below is a selection of books and scientific articles for those who would like to explore the subject further.
The books listed below are in Swedish. They reflect the literature on grief with which I am most familiar; the English-language sources included here are primarily research articles. The books approach grief from different perspectives—as a major life transition, a relational experience, and a process that affects the body, identity, and our relationships with other people.
The research articles examine how grief may develop in different ways over time, how people move back and forth between loss and recovery, and how a difficult loss may sometimes lead to a deeper understanding of oneself, one’s relationships, and life.
If your grief has become overwhelming, does not change over time, or makes it difficult to function in everyday life, it may be helpful to seek support from a licensed psychologist.
Books (in Swedish)
Förluster. Om sorg och livsomställning – Barbro Lennéer Axelson
Den dolda sorgen. Hälsokonsekvenser vid anhörigförlust – Mikael Rostila
What research shows
A study on how different people experience grief. The grieving process develops differently for different people.
A study on the experience of grief. During grief, people may move between sadness, grief, pain, moments of acceptance, and possibly even a sense of joy in being alive.
A study on grief, self-understanding, and relationships. Following a loss, personal growth may also occur through deeper self-understanding, greater appreciation of relationships, and increased engagement with existential questions.
When grief affects everyday life
Grief is not only an emotion. It affects the whole person. Concentration may become more difficult, sleep may change, and the body may feel unusually tired. Many people also describe the world itself as feeling different, as though something fundamental has changed.
It is common to withdraw from other people or to feel lonely even when support is available. Some people also experience guilt or self-critical thoughts about what happened, or about what was never said or done.
When we lose someone, we do not lose only a person. We also lose a relationship, a shared history, and a future we had imagined. When her parents have died, a daughter no longer has someone to be a daughter to in quite the same way. The person who was always there can no longer be called, asked for advice, or included in everyday life. Grief is therefore not only about absence. It is also about gradually understanding what the loss means for who we are and for the life that continues.
We no longer share a future with the person we have lost.
Most grief reactions are a natural part of this adjustment, even when they feel unexpected or difficult to understand.
For some people, however, grief becomes so intense and enduring that it no longer changes gradually over time. Their thoughts and emotions still revolve almost entirely around the loss, and it becomes difficult to return to work, relationships, or activities that once gave life meaning. This may be a prolonged grief response, in which grief no longer helps the person adapt to a changed life but instead makes it difficult to find a way forward.
A reflection
When grief fills much of our inner world, it can feel as though life has stopped. At the same time, everyday life continues around us. This contrast can be one of the most painful experiences of grief.
Over time, many people also describe grief as changing the way they see life. In the midst of loss, greater clarity may emerge about what truly matters—in relationships, in work, and in how one wants to live. Grief does not restore what has been lost, but it can change how we understand what still remains.
– Maria Sandgren
Further reading
This text draws on my clinical experience as a psychologist, together with research on emotions, relationships, well-being, and mental health. Below is a selection of books and scientific articles for those who would like to explore the subject further.
The books listed below are in Swedish. They reflect the literature on grief with which I am most familiar; the English-language sources included here are primarily research articles. The books approach grief from different perspectives—as a major life transition, a relational experience, and a process that affects the body, identity, and our relationships with other people.
The research articles show that grief may take many different forms. Both our relationship with the person we have lost and the circumstances surrounding the loss influence how grief is experienced and how it changes over time.
If your grief has become overwhelming, does not change over time, or makes it difficult to function in everyday life, it may be helpful to seek support from a licensed psychologist.
Books (in Swedish)
Förluster. Om sorg och livsomställning – Barbro Lennéer Axelson
Den dolda sorgen. Hälsokonsekvenser vid anhörigförlust – Mikael Rostila
What research shows
A study on the different experiences of grief. Reactions to loss can include shock, denial, anxiety, worry, anger, sadness, sleep difficulties, and loss of appetite, as well as feelings of loneliness and helplessness.
A study on the intensity of grief following the loss of someone close. Grief tends to be more intense when we lose someone close to us, such as a family member, relative, or colleague.
A study on how grief can become more difficult when the circumstances surrounding the loss are complicated. Grief may be more intense when the circumstances of the loss are particularly difficult or complex.
How therapy can help with grief
The aim of therapy is not to make people forget the person they have lost or leave them behind. Instead, it is to create a space in which grief can be present without having to be carried alone.
In therapy, it often becomes possible to approach emotions that have previously felt too painful or overwhelming. For some people, this also involves understanding guilt, anger, or self-criticism that has become intertwined with the grief and made it more difficult to bear.
As emotions become easier to live with, the relationship with the person who has died often changes as well. The sense of loss remains, but it no longer has to occupy one’s entire inner life. It then becomes easier to return to relationships, work, and other parts of life that provide meaning.
A reflection
Therapy does not change what has happened. What it can change is how we live with what has happened. When grief no longer needs to occupy our entire inner life, it gradually becomes possible to turn our attention again toward the life that still remains. Not every relationship continues in the same way after a loss.
– Maria Sandgren
Further reading
This text draws on my clinical experience as a psychologist, together with research on emotions, relationships, well-being, and mental health. Below is a selection of books and scientific articles for those who would like to explore the subject further.
The books listed below are in Swedish. They reflect the literature on grief with which I am most familiar; the English-language sources included here are primarily research articles. The books approach grief from different perspectives—as a major life transition, a relational experience, and a process that affects the body, identity, and our relationships with other people.
The research articles describe how psychotherapy may help people adapt to loss by enabling them to approach painful emotions, reduce avoidance, and gradually find a way to continue living while preserving both their memories and their bond with the person who has died. The research also indicates that grief may take different forms depending on the nature of the relationship with the person who was lost.
If your grief has become overwhelming, does not change over time, or makes it difficult to function in everyday life, it may be helpful to seek support from a licensed psychologist.
Books (in Swedish)
Förluster. Om sorg och livsomställning – Barbro Lennéer Axelson
Den dolda sorgen. Hälsokonsekvenser vid anhörigförlust – Mikael Rostila
What research shows
Most studies focus on grief following the loss of someone who was loved, such as a family member, relative, friend, or colleague. Grief following the death of someone with whom the relationship was difficult or distressing is discussed less often. The bond that remains through memories of the person who has died may therefore take different forms and needs to be understood in the context of the relationship they had.
A study on coping with intense grief reactions. When grief is particularly intense, therapy can help a person understand and accept the grief, work with painful emotions, develop a perspective on the future, draw on social support, talk about the person who has died, and learn to live with the memories while maintaining a bond with the person who has been lost.
A study on avoiding painful emotions and grief. Difficulties in moving through the grieving process may be associated with attempts to avoid painful emotions.
Living on without leaving someone behind
Many people believe that grieving means moving on and leaving the past behind. For many, however, the experience is almost the opposite. The person who has died continues to have a place in their life, but the relationship changes.
Memories may evoke both joy and a sense of loss. It gradually becomes possible to think about the person who is no longer there without every memory bringing the same pain it once did.
If the relationship with the person who died was conflicted or painful, grief may also contain contradictory emotions. Love, relief, anger, guilt, and longing can all be present at the same time.
Living on therefore does not mean forgetting. It means that the loss gradually becomes part of one’s life story, while space opens again for new relationships, experiences, and hopes for the future.
The process of learning to live with loss may also lead to personal growth, as the loss raises questions about who we are, how we live, and what matters to us. Some people reevaluate what is important in life, including their relationships. Grief may also lead them to engage with existential questions that might otherwise never have become relevant.
A reflection
When people seek therapy because of grief, they rarely say that they want to stop missing the person who has died. More often, they long to be able to live fully again. They want to experience joy without guilt, be present with the people they love, and regain a sense that life still has direction.
Perhaps this is how grief slowly changes. Not because love becomes weaker, but because it finds a new place in life. When grief no longer occupies all our attention, it becomes possible to turn toward the life that still lies ahead.
– Maria Sandgren
Further reading
This text draws on my clinical experience as a psychologist, together with research on relationships, emotions, and mental health. Below is a selection of books and scientific articles for those who would like to explore the subject further.
The books listed below are in Swedish. They reflect the literature on grief with which I am most familiar; the English-language sources included here are primarily research articles. The books approach grief as both a major life transition and an experience that may affect our health, identity, relationships, and understanding of what matters in life.
The research articles examine how people may experience personal growth after grieving a loss.
This may include feeling stronger, more grounded, and better prepared to face future difficulties, as well as developing greater clarity about what truly matters in life. Such growth does not remove the pain of the loss, but may develop alongside grief over time.
If your grief has become overwhelming, does not change over time, or makes it difficult to function in everyday life, it may be helpful to seek support from a licensed psychologist.
Books (in Swedish)
Förluster. Om sorg och livsomställning – Barbro Lennéer Axelson
Den dolda sorgen. Hälsokonsekvenser vid anhörigförlust – Mikael Rostila
What research shows
A study on personal growth following bereavement. How moving through a grieving process may contribute to feeling stronger, more grounded, more independent, and better prepared to face future challenges and crises.
A study on changes in life perspective following bereavement. How grieving a loss may bring greater clarity about what truly matters in life and contribute to greater well-being.
*****
If something in this text resonates with your situation and you would like to make a change in your life, you are welcome to book an initial session.
