Perfectionism: When doing your best does not feel good enough

Perfectionism is often associated with high ambitions and a desire to do things well. Being conscientious, engaged, and eager to develop is not in itself a problem. On the contrary, these qualities can help us learn, create, and accomplish what matters to us.

But perfectionism is not only about what we want to achieve. It may also concern what we fear will happen if we do not succeed. A mistake then becomes more than a mistake. It may feel like a sign that we are not competent enough, valuable enough, or worthy of other people’s appreciation.

Human beings are social by nature. Throughout our evolution, belonging to a group and having a place among others have been essential to safety and survival. Even today, we are attentive to how others evaluate us, whether we contribute, and whether they want us to remain part of the group. Perfectionism can therefore be understood as a way of trying to secure one’s place: if I do everything correctly, perform well enough, or always have something to offer, perhaps I will be less likely to be criticized or rejected.

This does not mean that all perfectionism has the same origins. But by exploring what seems to be at stake when something is not perfect, we can better understand why the demands sometimes become so difficult to let go of.

What is perfectionism?

Wanting to do something well is not the same as perfectionism. We can be ambitious, conscientious, and engaged without allowing the outcome to determine our worth as human beings. We can feel disappointed by a mistake, learn from it, and then move on.

With perfectionism, the distinction between success and failure becomes more emotionally charged. We may feel that we have to reach a certain standard before we are allowed to feel satisfied with ourselves or can be accepted by others. The expectations are often high, but above all, the consequences of failing to meet them may feel threatening.

Nor does a perfect result always provide lasting satisfaction. When something goes well, we may tell ourselves that the task was too easy, that we were lucky, or that anyone could have done it. Our attention soon shifts toward the next achievement. A small mistake, on the other hand, may take on great significance and overshadow everything that went well.

Perfectionism can manifest in several ways. One person works for a long time and checks every detail. Another postpones tasks out of fear that they will not be able to complete them well enough. Someone may avoid new settings in which their abilities could be judged. Another person may appear highly successful while living with constant anxiety about whether they can continue performing at the same level.

What matters, therefore, is not only how high the standards we set for ourselves are, but how dependent our sense of security and self-worth have become on meeting them. The demands are no longer about the pleasure of creating something good or doing something well. Instead, they generate pressure and anxiety about making mistakes.

A reflection

I believe it is important to distinguish between ambition and perfectionism. The question may not only be how much effort we make, but whether we can still feel satisfied and valuable when the outcome is not what we had hoped for.

Wanting to develop and learn new things means becoming better at something. Taking on something new—and being changed ourselves in the process—can transform our lives. But when our motivation rests on a perfectionistic attitude, it may become more difficult to use our full abilities, while our well-being is affected as well.

—Maria Sandgren

Further reading

The books are listed in their Swedish editions and reflect the literature on perfectionism with which I am most familiar; the research sources included here are primarily in English. The books explore the distinction between wanting to develop and being driven by perfectionistic demands. Some offer practical strategies for reducing self-criticism, the need for control, and fear of making mistakes. Others address learning, achievement, self-compassion, and how we can develop our abilities without making our well-being dependent on succeeding in everything we undertake.

The research shows that perfectionism is not a single, uniform phenomenon. High ambitions are not necessarily a problem in themselves. It is primarily concern about mistakes, self-criticism, and the feeling of having to meet one’s own or other people’s expectations that are clearly associated with psychological distress.

It may be helpful to contact a licensed psychologist if fear of making mistakes consumes a great deal of energy, evokes intense shame and self-criticism, or restricts your decisions, actions, and relationships. In therapy, you can explore what mistakes seem to say about you and gradually experience that you can be valuable and have a place among others without being flawless.

Books

• När perfekt inte duger: Strategier för att hantera perfektionism — Martin M. Antony & Richard P. Swinson

• Perfektionsfällan: Att omfamna kraften i lagom bra — Thomas Curran

• Peak: Vetenskapen om att bli bättre på nästan allt. Sanningen bakom 10 000-timmarsregeln — K. Anders Ericsson & Robert Pool

• KBT-akuten: Fri från perfektionism, kontrollbehov, konflikträdsla och andra relationsproblem — Maria Farm

• Din dolda potential: Konsten att nå nya höjder — Adam Grant

• Självmedkänsla: Hur du kan stoppa självkritik och förbättra relationen till dig själv och andra — Agneta Lagercrantz

• Bättre än perfekt: En självhjälpsbok för perfektionister — Alexander Rozental

• Utan press: Om medkänsla, prestation och stress — Sofia Viotti

Forskning

Two dimensions of perfectionism are commonly distinguished: perfectionistic concerns, which involve fear of making mistakes and perceived demands from others, and perfectionistic strivings, which involve setting high standards for oneself. Perfectionistic concerns are more strongly associated with anxiety, depression, and other forms of psychological distress than perfectionistic strivings.

Self-critical perfectionism is associated with a greater tendency to avoid unpleasant emotions and experiences. In the longer term, this avoidance may contribute to greater anxiety and low mood.

Setting high standards for oneself is not necessarily associated with social anxiety. Research shows a much clearer connection with the self-critical side of perfectionism—the fear of making mistakes,

What is at stake when we make mistakes?

A mistake may evoke disappointment or irritation. Sometimes, however, it evokes something much stronger: shame, anxiety, or a sense of having been exposed. What went wrong is then perceived not merely as information about a particular performance, but as a judgment of who we are.

We may think that other people will now discover that we are not as competent as they believed. Perhaps they will lose confidence in us, like us less, or prefer someone else. There may also be a fear of losing status and significance within a group.

From an evolutionary perspective, our sensitivity to such signals is understandable. For much of human history, belonging to a group was essential for protection, food, and survival. Losing one’s place could have serious consequences. We therefore still have a strong tendency to notice signs of criticism, distancing, and exclusion.

In contemporary life, an imperfect piece of work or showing uncertainty in front of a partner, child, or friend is rarely a threat to our survival. Even so, the body and emotions may respond as though something very important were at stake. We try to avoid mistakes not only because of the outcome itself, but also to protect our relationships, reputation, and sense of belonging. We want to be close to others and receive their appreciation in order to feel secure. Perfectionism may therefore cause us to make far greater efforts than the situation actually requires.

Perfectionism can thus become a social safety strategy: if I am flawless, helpful, knowledgeable, or indispensable, perhaps no one will have a reason to reject me.

On a personal level, we may tell ourselves that it is not about other people. We simply want to succeed, do well, and avoid mistakes. But if we approach the thought “I must not make a mistake” and explore what a mistake would mean, a relational pattern may emerge. It may involve not wanting to be a burden, inconvenience others, or disappoint them—and an excessive effort to do what other people value.

A reflection

Behind the desire to succeed, there may be a fear of what failure would say about us in the eyes of others. I think that perfectionism and its consequences sometimes become understandable only when we ask what is at stake.

Perfectionism can become a loop in which we try to prevent mistakes in the present while imagining that, at some point in the future, once we have succeeded well enough, we will finally be able to feel secure and good enough.

—Maria Sandgren

Further reading

The books are listed in their Swedish editions and reflect the literature on perfectionism, shame, and self-criticism with which I am most familiar; the research sources included here are primarily in English. The books explore what may be at stake when we are afraid of making mistakes. They address shame and self-criticism, but also self-respect, compassion, and our capacity to reconsider beliefs about what we must do to be accepted. Together, they show how we can develop a more open way of relating to uncertainty, mistakes, and the need for validation from others.

The research helps us understand why doing the right thing in the eyes of others can feel so important. We have a fundamental need to belong, but we are also attentive to our standing within the group and the appreciation we receive. Perfectionism may become a way of trying to protect both our belonging and our place among others, although different forms of perfectionism affect our relationships in different ways.

It may be helpful to contact a licensed psychologist if fear of making mistakes consumes a great deal of energy, evokes intense shame and self-criticism, or restricts your decisions, actions, and relationships. In therapy, you can explore what mistakes seem to say about you and gradually experience that you can be valuable and have a place among others without being flawless.

Books

• Från skam till självrespekt — Marta Cullberg Weston

• Think Again (an abridged Swedish edition) — Adam Grant

• Öppet sinne: Kraften i att veta vad du inte vet — Adam Grant

• Skam: Upplevelse, funktion och behandling — Lina Skantze

Research

The need to belong

The need to belong involves forming and maintaining close, stable relationships in which we have recurring contact with others under secure and predominantly positive conditions. It is regarded as a fundamental human motivation and has a profound influence on our emotional patterns, thought processes, and well-being. When our place among others feels uncertain, it may therefore evoke strong emotions and affect how we interpret both ourselves and other people.

https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1995-29052-001

Social status and our place among others

Social status is not quite the same as belonging. It refers to the respect, appreciation, and voluntary consideration a person receives from others. We may therefore feel that we belong to a group while still being preoccupied with our position within it and with how valuable others perceive us to be.

The status conferred on us by others is associated with self-esteem, subjective well-being, and mental and physical health. Its importance has been demonstrated across cultures and among people of different ages and genders. Perfectionistic striving may therefore be motivated both by a desire to belong and by an effort to preserve the respect of others.

Belonging from an evolutionary perspective

The need to belong is rooted in human evolutionary history. Living with others and sharing in the group’s protection, knowledge, and resources increased people’s chances of survival and reproduction. We have therefore developed a strong sensitivity to signals of acceptance and rejection, along with different strategies for gaining and maintaining a place among others.

Perfectionism may be one such strategy. By trying to be capable, useful, or flawless, we hope to reduce the risk of criticism and rejection. The strategy may be understandable even when, over time, it becomes excessively demanding.

Perfectionism may affect our relationships in different ways

Research shows that the relational consequences of perfectionism depend on the form it takes. Setting high standards for oneself is not automatically associated with social distance or hostility.

Clearer relationship difficulties are associated with directing perfectionistic expectations toward others and with perceiving that others expect perfection from oneself. These forms may be linked to lower trust and empathy, as well as greater hostility, sensitivity to criticism, and feelings of social distance.

It is therefore important not to describe all perfectionists in the same way. Among the factors that matter in relationships are where the demands are directed and whether the person believes that their place among others depends on being perfect.

How do we learn what is required to belong?

We are born with a need for closeness, protection, and responsiveness from others. As we grow up, we also learn what brings us appreciation and what risks creating distance.

In some relationships, a child experiences that closeness remains even when they fail, protest, or need help.

In other circumstances, appreciation may seem more dependent on the child being capable, compliant, helpful, or successful. This does not always need to be expressed openly. Children are sensitive to which aspects of them evoke joy, irritation, pride, or disappointment in the important adults in their lives.

School, peers, sports, and later working life also teach us what is valued. We compare ourselves with others and try to understand which qualities provide status and belonging. Someone who has been criticized, ridiculed, or excluded may become especially alert to the risk of this happening again.

Attachment experiences may influence how securely we can rely on other people’s availability and goodwill. If relationships have felt uncertain, achievement may become a way of trying to gain control: I may not be able to trust that other people like me for who I am, but I can try to make myself valuable through what I accomplish.

Over time, these conditions can become so self-evident that we no longer recognize them. We may simply feel that we need to try harder. But beneath the demands, there may be an old conclusion: to belong, I need to be a certain way.

A reflection

We do not develop our standards in a vacuum. I believe it can be valuable to explore when we began to associate appreciation and belonging with being capable, compliant, or useful to others.

It is also important to recognize when other people genuinely place high demands on us or hold strong expectations about how we should be. Some people have expectations that are difficult to meet, yet we may continue trying to meet them, especially when they are close to us. Perfectionism involving high expectations of oneself or others may therefore sometimes describe an actual relationship and not only a personal attitude toward oneself and other people. At times, our own perfectionistic attitude overlaps with the high expectations others place on us.

—Maria Sandgren

Further reading

The books are listed in their Swedish editions and reflect the literature on perfectionism, shame, self-respect, and compassion with which I am most familiar; the research sources included here are primarily in English. The books explore what may be at stake when we are afraid of making mistakes and how our ideas about what is required for acceptance can be reconsidered.

The research shows how perfectionism may develop through the interaction between our emotions and our experiences of how others respond to us. Shame can transform a mistake into a judgment of our entire worth, while the ways families combine expectations with warmth, control, and dialogue may influence what we believe is required to be accepted. These studies show associations and do not imply that any particular parenting style alone causes perfectionism.

It may be helpful to contact a licensed psychologist if fear of making mistakes consumes a great deal of energy, evokes intense shame and self-criticism, or restricts your decisions, actions, and relationships. In therapy, you can explore what mistakes seem to say about you and gradually experience that you can be valuable and have a place among others without being flawless.

Books

• Från skam till självrespekt — Marta Cullberg Weston

• Think Again (an abridged Swedish edition) — Adam Grant

• Öppet sinne: Kraften i att veta vad du inte vet — Adam Grant

• Tillsammans: Om medkänsla och bekräftelse — Anna Kåver & Åsa Nilsonne

• Skam: Upplevelse, funktion och behandling — Lina Skantze

  
  

Research

Shame, perfectionism, and finding one’s place

Shame is described as a self-conscious emotion that arises when we evaluate our whole selves negatively. It differs from guilt, which more often concerns the evaluation of a particular action: I did something wrong. With shame, the meaning easily becomes: There is something wrong with me.

Perfectionism is a broader personality trait. Its self-critical dimension, commonly referred to as perfectionistic concerns, includes fear of failure, intense self-criticism, and sensitivity to other people’s evaluations.

In one study, people with greater perfectionistic concerns were also more prone to shame and had lower self-esteem. These experiences were, in turn, associated with a weaker sense of having found one’s place and community in social life. Perfectionistic striving—the desire to attain high goals—did not show the same negative pattern when researchers also took perfectionistic concerns into account.

Parenting and perfectionism

Authoritarian parenting is characterized by high demands and strong control combined with limited warmth and dialogue. Authoritative parenting, by contrast, combines clear expectations and boundaries with warmth, responsiveness, and opportunities for discussion.

Young adults’ experiences of authoritarian parenting have been associated with higher perceived parental expectations, greater parental criticism, and more doubts about their own abilities. These are several of the self-critical and maladaptive dimensions of perfectionism. Authoritative parenting showed more limited associations and appeared to offer some protection against certain aspects of perfectionism.

Another study found similar associations between young adults’ experiences of authoritarian parenting and maladaptive perfectionism. In this study as well, authoritative parenting appeared to have a protective function in relation to perfectionism.

How does perfectionism affect our relationships?

Perfectionism may appear to be an individual problem, but it often develops and becomes apparent in relation to others. If we believe that our place in a relationship or group—and our future opportunities—depends on performing perfectly, it may become difficult to show uncertainty, ask for help, or allow others to see us when we are not in control.

We may try to be the person who always functions well, is prepared, takes responsibility, and can manage a little more. This may bring appreciation and give us a clearly defined role within the group. At the same time, our relationships risk becoming one-sided. Other people encounter our competence and helpfulness, but not always our vulnerability, tiredness, or longing for support.

Perfectionism may also make collaboration difficult. If mistakes feel threatening, we may find it hard to hand over responsibility, receive feedback, or accept that other people do things differently. Sometimes we also direct the same harsh expectations we place on ourselves toward the people around us.

When we are afraid of how others will see us, we may also avoid situations in which closeness could develop. We may wait to make contact until we feel more interesting, successful, or confident. We hold back in conversations to avoid saying something foolish. In this way, the attempt to avoid rejection through some form of achievement may also reduce the opportunity for others to get to know us and respond positively to us.

Closeness does not require us to show everything to everyone. Close relationships do, however, usually need to allow us to be uncertain, imperfect, and in need of others at times. If we constantly have to prove our worth, it may become difficult to experience that someone genuinely wants to be close to us even when we are not performing.

A reflection

Perfectionism can give us a valued place among others while making it more difficult to be deeply seen. This raises the question of whether others appreciate us for what we do, or whether we dare to experience that they can also appreciate us for who we are.

Over time, perfectionism may weaken our sense that we have an unquestioned right to exist and belong. Instead, we become continually preoccupied with avoiding mistakes and preventing or correcting anything we fear might jeopardize our place among others.

—Maria Sandgren

Further reading

The books are listed in their Swedish editions and reflect the literature on vulnerability, compassion, and close relationships with which I am most familiar; the research sources included here are primarily in English. The books explore the vulnerability involved in expressing our needs and allowing others to see us when we cannot control their response. They consider how trust, compassion, and validation may create greater mutuality in close relationships.

None of the books is exclusively about perfectionism, but together they illuminate what the effort to appear competent, independent, and without flaws may make more difficult between people.

The research shows how perfectionism may manifest in our relationships. We may try to appear perfect and conceal our difficulties, direct perfectionistic expectations toward a partner, or become intensely preoccupied with mistakes and other people’s judgments. These patterns are associated with social anxiety, lower satisfaction in close relationships, and more frequent conflict. Perfectionism is therefore not only an internal burden, but something that may affect both how we present ourselves to others and what happens between us.

It may be helpful to contact a licensed psychologist if fear of making mistakes consumes a great deal of energy, evokes intense shame and self-criticism, or restricts your decisions, actions, and relationships. In therapy, you can explore what mistakes seem to say about you and gradually experience that you can be valuable and have a place among others without being flawless.

Books

• Mod att vara sårbar: i dina relationer, i ditt föräldraskap, i ditt arbete – Brené Brown

• Tillsammans: om medkänsla och bekräftelse – Anna Kåver & Åsa Nilsonne

• Håll om mig: sju livsavgörande samtal om kärlek – Sue Johnson

Research

Perfectionistic self-presentation involves trying to appear perfect, concealing mistakes, and avoiding disclosing difficulties. Research has found associations with lower self-esteem, social anxiety, and other forms of psychological distress. The attempt to protect the image we present may therefore make it more difficult for other people to get to know us.

Perfectionism may also be directed toward the person with whom we share our life. In one study of couples, perfectionistic expectations of a partner were associated with lower relationship satisfaction and weaker long-term commitment. These expectations were also noticed by the partners, who in turn reported less satisfaction with the relationship.

In another study, couples reported on their everyday conflicts. Those with greater perfectionistic concerns also described more critical, hostile, and rejecting conflicts. These conflicts, in turn, contributed to increased depressive symptoms. Perfectionism therefore emerged not only as an internal burden, but as part of what occurred between the partners.

Perfectionism: When our place among others feels conditional

Changing perfectionistic patterns does not necessarily mean giving up our ambitions or beginning to do things carelessly. Rather, it means being able to choose when something needs to be done very well and when good enough is enough. It also means understanding and gradually becoming able to bear the emotions that arise when we no longer try to control how others judge us.

At the heart of this lies a question about whether we feel that we have a place among others:

Can I be accepted as I am, or must I first make myself valuable, useful, or easy to like?

Perfectionism can make our place among others feel conditional: I am accepted as long as I do everything correctly, contribute, perform well, and never burden anyone.

Gradually leaving perfectionism behind may mean finishing and handing in a piece of work when we ourselves are satisfied with the result. It may also mean expressing our needs and opinions more spontaneously, asking for help, and daring to accept it. These changes may seem small, but they challenge the underlying belief that mistakes and needs make us less worthy.

We may also need to distinguish between situations that genuinely require a great deal from us and expectations we have added ourselves. Not every group is safe, and criticism or exclusion is not always imagined. Some environments reward overperformance and judge people harshly. Understanding perfectionism does not therefore mean explaining every concern as an individual error in thinking. Sometimes we also need to examine the relationships, workplaces, and groups to which we are trying to adapt.

More secure relationships can provide us with new experiences. When someone remains close despite our mistakes, uncertainty, or need for support, the link between achievement and belonging may gradually weaken. Therapy can be a place where these patterns become visible, but change can also occur through friendships, intimate relationships, groups, and other settings in which we are allowed to be both competent and imperfect.

Greater freedom can emerge when we no longer need to use our achievements to prove that we deserve our place. We may still want to develop and do things well, but a mistake no longer has to become a judgment of our whole selves.

A reflection

Perhaps the opposite of perfectionism is not lower ambition, but a more secure sense of having a place among others—to do something good and try our best without our worth or belonging being at stake.

This sense of having a place has both an inner and a relational dimension: being able to feel at peace with ourselves and experiencing that other people respect us, care about us, and make room for us.

—Maria Sandgren

Further reading

The books are listed in their Swedish editions and reflect the literature on perfectionism and self-compassion with which I am most familiar; the research sources included here are primarily in English. The books explore how perfectionistic patterns can change without requiring us to abandon our wish to develop and do things well. They consider how less self-criticism and greater self-compassion may allow us to relate more freely to achievements, mistakes, and our own needs. Together, they describe a movement away from constantly needing to prove our worth and toward feeling good enough even when everything is not perfect.

The studies show that self-compassion may lessen the negative effects of perfectionism. They also point to associations between perfectionistic concerns, shame, lower self-esteem, and a weaker sense of belonging. Change may therefore involve more than lowering our standards. It may also involve feeling valuable and good enough when we do not succeed as we had hoped.

It may be helpful to contact a licensed psychologist if fear of making mistakes consumes a great deal of energy, evokes intense shame and self-criticism, or restricts your decisions, actions, and relationships. In therapy, you can explore what mistakes seem to say about you and gradually experience that you can be valuable and have a place among others without being flawless.

Books

• Bättre än perfekt: en självhjälpsbok för perfektionister – Alexander Rozental

• Självmedkänsla: hur du kan stoppa självkritik och förbättra relationen till dig själv och andra – Agneta Lagercrantz

• Utan press: om medkänsla, prestation och stress – Sofia Viotti

Research

In one study, participants practiced responding to themselves with greater kindness and understanding when they experienced difficulties. Afterward, they reported fewer problems related to perfectionism, anxiety, and low mood. The study suggests that change does not only have to involve lowering our standards, but may also concern how we care for ourselves when we do not succeed as we had hoped.

In a study involving both adolescents and adults, researchers found that self-compassion may lessen the association between perfectionism and low mood. People who were able to respond to themselves with greater kindness and understanding appeared to be less negatively affected by their perfectionistic demands. The study shows associations, however, and cannot establish what causes what.

Another study found that concerns about making mistakes and failing to meet expectations were associated with greater shame, lower self-esteem, and a weaker sense of belonging. The study cannot establish causality, but it highlights how perfectionism may concern something deeper than achievement itself: our sense of who we are and whether we have a place among others.

If something in this text resonates with your own situation and you would like to make a change in your life, you are welcome to book a first session.

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