Relationship difficulties: Why do they arise and how can they change?

Maria Sandgren

Sep 25

20 min read

Updated: 2 days ago

Most of us will at some point experience an important relationship that is not working as we would like. There may be conflicts that never seem to end, difficulties talking to one another, or a sense of having drifted apart. Sometimes the relationship is with a partner, but it may also be with a parent or sibling, an adult child, a friend, or a colleague.

Relationship difficulties rarely arise from a single event. They often develop gradually as emotions become difficult to express, misunderstandings are repeated, or old patterns take over. This can create stress, loneliness, and a sense of being far removed from the person we actually want to feel close to.

At the same time, relationships can be understood. When we begin to recognize the patterns that affect us, it also becomes possible to change them.

In five sections, I explore how relationship difficulties can arise and develop, why uncertainty and strong emotions can affect how we relate to each other, what happens when we struggle to reach one another, how relationships can change, and when it may be helpful to seek support.

What are relationship difficulties?

Relationships are among the most important parts of our lives. They provide closeness, security, and a sense of belonging, but they can also be a source of worry, disappointment, and conflict. Experiencing difficulties in a relationship is therefore not unusual. On the contrary, it is a natural part of living closely with other people.

All relationships change over time. We develop, our circumstances change, and we face new demands and challenges. This means that even well-functioning relationships will sometimes be marked by misunderstandings, irritation, or periods of greater distance. Conflict in itself is therefore not a sign that a relationship is unhealthy. On the contrary, it may refle tctwo people's efforts to find new ways to understand one another and adaptng to change.

Relationship difficulties are more likely to become a problem when they recur or begin to affect daily life and well-being. The same conflicts may return again and again without ever being resolved. Conversations can easily lead to defensiveness or silence. Closeness becomes more difficult, and people may feel that they can no longer reach one another even though they both want to.

How do relationship difficulties show?

Relationship difficulties can take many different forms. Deeper conversations may have become increasingly rare, while everyday life has come to revolve around practical matters and recurring conflicts. In other relationships, trust may have been damaged by broken promises or events that have made it more difficult to rely on one another.

Sometimes there is no single event behind the difficulties. People change throughout life. New experiences, interests, and needs may mean that their life goals, values, or desire for closeness and freedom are no longer the same as before. What once brought two people together may then need to find a new place in the relationship—or be understood in a new way.

Relationship difficulties also commonly affect how we see ourselves. A conflict is rarely only about what is said in the moment. It may evoke insecurity, self-criticism, or a fear of being left.

In the same way, our mental health can affect our relationships. Stress, anxiety, depression, or prolonged exhaustion often make it more difficult to be present, listen, and express our needs. The connection therefore works in both directions: our relationships affect our mental well-being, and our mental well-being affects how we function in our relationships.

It is easy to blame someone for doing something wrong

This does not mean that relationship difficulties are always about someone doing something wrong. Over the years, circumstances such as starting a family, moving, pursuing a career, illness, or other challenges may place a strain on a relationship. Difficulties often develop through the interaction between two people, both of whom are trying to manage their emotions and needs based on their own experiences. When we begin to understand the patterns that emerge, it also becomes easier to see why the same situations keep recurring—and how they might change.

Some relationship problems are, of course, more serious, particularly when mutuality is lacking. I will return to this later in the blog.

A reflection

When people seek help for relationship difficulties, they often talk about conflicts. Before long, however, the conversation tends to become about something else: the longing to be understood, the fear of not being good enough, the fear of not being able to trust the other person, or the fear of having to give up a relationship. The conflicts are often what can be seen. Beneath them, there is almost always something more.

– Maria Sandgren

When a relationship feels uncertain, why do such strong emotions arise?

Periods of uncertainty occur in most close relationships. They may follow a misunderstanding or conflict, or emerge when one person seems to be withdrawing. For many people, these situations evoke emotions that feel stronger than the immediate circumstances appear to warrant. They may spend a long time dwelling on a conversation, feel unusually hurt by criticism, or begin to doubt both themselves and the relationship.

The central fear is not always that of being left. In my experience, many people are more afraid of being misunderstood, criticized, or not being good enough for the other person. When a relationship feels uncertain, questions arise such as: Did I do something wrong? Does the other person still care about me? Why does it feel as though I cannot reach them?

How we respond in conflict

Some people do live with a more pronounced fear of being left or abandoned. Even then, however, it is rarely only the prospect of physical separation that matters. Strong emotions are often evoked by the experience of losing contact or closeness, or of no longer feeling important to another person.

Some people seek reassurance and want to talk about what has happened as soon as possible. Others withdraw, become silent, or try to manage on their own. Some focus on what is wrong with the other person and believe that they should change. Arguments may escalate into blame and shaming until they become primarily about the other person’s faults.

These reactions may look different on the surface, but beneath them there is often the same longing—to feel understood, accepted, and important within the relationship.

Earlier experiences often play a part. We all carry with us ways of interpreting and managing relationships that have developed throughout our lives. When a relationship feels threatened, we therefore respond not only to what is happening here and now, but also in light of what we have experienced before. This does not mean that the past determines us, but it may affect how readily we trust, how we interpret the other person’s signals, and how we express our own needs.

To stay or leave the relationship

It is also important to remember that people remain in relationships for many different reasons. Love is one of them, but so are children, finances, social ties, responsibilities, and a long shared history. Relationship difficulties are therefore rarely simple. They concern not only our emotions, but also the lives we have built together.

Understanding our own reactions is not about finding fault with ourselves or the other person. It is about becoming curious about the patterns that emerge when a relationship feels uncertain. When we better understand why certain situations evoke such strong emotions, it also becomes easier to find new ways of responding to both ourselves and the other person.

A reflection

In the therapy room, I often meet people who believe that the problem is that they feel too much or too little. They may expect themselves to be more tolerant or to learn to accept the situation. They may also describe an inner voice of self-criticism that they believe is telling them the truth.

It often becomes clear, however, that the difficulty lies elsewhere—in the extent to which emotions and a sense of security in relationships have, or have not, been given space throughout life. When we begin to understand our own patterns, it also becomes easier to understand both ourselves and other people. This is often where change begins.

– Maria Sandgren

Why does it become so difficult to talk to each other?

Many people who seek help for relationship difficulties say that they are not really arguing about the major issues. Instead, they become caught in recurring situations in which the same misunderstandings are repeated. A conversation that begins calmly ends in irritation. One person feels criticized, while the other feels unheard. Both leave with the sense that they have not been understood.

It is easy to assume that the problem is simply one of communication, but there is often more to it. When strong emotions are evoked, the way we listen, think, and express ourselves changes. We become more concerned with protecting ourselves than with trying to understand the other person. Someone who feels criticized may become defensive. Someone who feels rejected may try even harder to explain why they acted as they did. They may also begin to criticize the other person—or give up and become silent.

This means that the same words can take on very different meanings depending on how they are received. A question intended to express care may be experienced as an attempt to control. A comment intended to be helpful may feel like criticism. The stronger the emotions become, the more difficult it is to hear the other person’s intention behind their words.

Att söka har rätt och hitta förklaringar

Many people try to resolve these situations by arguing more forcefully or finding better explanations. But relationships rarely change through better arguments about who is right and who is wrong. We often need to begin by understanding the emotions behind the words. What is the other person actually trying to express? What happens inside me when I react so strongly? What need or concern lies beneath the anger, frustration, or silence?

In close relationships, we affect each other continuously. One person’s reaction affects the other, who then responds in turn. Over time, this interaction can become so familiar that both people recognize the pattern, yet neither knows how to break it. One raises their voice while the other withdraws. One wants to talk immediately while the other needs time. Neither person necessarily has to be wrong, but their ways of managing emotions do not work well together in that particular situation.

This does not mean that the difficulties cannot change. On the contrary, change often begins when the focus shifts from deciding who is right to understanding what is happening between two people. When both become more curious about their own reactions and the other person’s experience, it becomes easier to find new ways of talking to one another.

Finding the right words is difficult

Communicating well is therefore not only about choosing the right words. It also involves being able to pause when emotions become intense, listen for what lies behind the words, and become curious about our own reactions. This is often where change begins. When the focus shifts from determining who is right or wrong to trying to understand what is happening between two people, it also becomes possible to see the relationship from a wider perspective.

One question that often disappears in the midst of conflict is what kind of life the two people want to have together—and what is realistically possible. Exploring this can provide a powerful counterweight to patterns of blame and shaming that may have come to dominate the relationship.

A reflection

When people describe their relationship difficulties, the story is often about what was said and who said it. After a while, however, the conversation changes. It becomes less about the words themselves and more about the experience of not being understood, not feeling important, or no longer knowing how to reach the other person.

I am often struck by how rarely conflicts are only about the issue being discussed. Beneath the surface, there is almost always something more—a longing for connection, a fear of losing it, a wish to be seen for who one is, or a desire to be respected.

When we begin to direct our attention toward what is happening between people rather than toward who is right or wrong, it often becomes easier to understand both ourselves and the other person. This does not mean that every conflict can be resolved, but it opens up a different way of approaching it.

– Maria Sandgren

What can we do when a relationship is not working as we would like?

When a relationship feels difficult, it is natural to want to find a quick solution. Many people try to change the other person, find the right argument, or avoid situations that lead to conflict. This may help for a while, but if the same patterns keep returning, it can be valuable to pause and try to understand what is actually happening.

Seeing the relationship in a different way

A first step is to direct attention toward the interaction rather than toward who is right or wrong. In close relationships, we affect each other continuously. One person’s response evokes a reaction in the other, which in turn affects the first person. When both become caught in the same pattern, it is easy for each person to experience the other as the source of the problem.

Seeing the relationship in a different way

It can also be helpful to listen for the emotion behind the words. During conflicts, we often notice what is being said but miss what the person is trying to express. Irritation may conceal disappointment. Criticism may contain a wish to be seen. Silence may reflect fear, sadness, or uncertainty. Trying to understand the emotional meaning does not mean having to agree with everything that is said, but it can make it easier to understand why the conversation develops as it does.

Another step is to become curious about our own reactions. What is being evoked in me right now? Why does this situation feel so important? Is there something in the way I interpret the other person that intensifies the conflict? Questions like these are not about accepting the blame. They are about developing a better understanding of how we ourselves respond in close relationships.

At the same time, it is important to remember that relationships are not shaped by emotions and communication alone. Our circumstances, stress, the years of raising young children, illness, finances, work, and responsibilities all affect how available we are to one another. Sometimes a relationship does not need a perfect solution, but better conditions. Reducing stress, creating more time together, or finding new ways to share responsibilities can make a considerable difference.

Understanding and broadening perspectives is a first step

There are also situations in which greater understanding does not make the difficulties disappear. People may have different values, different ways of living, or different ideas about what a relationship should be. In these circumstances, change is not always about finding a compromise, but about exploring together what is possible and what may need to be accepted.

Working on a relationship is therefore rarely about finding the perfect way to communicate, discovering the right method, or persuading the other person to change. Change often begins with a different approach—a willingness to understand oneself, the other person, and what arises between them. When the focus shifts from looking for faults to becoming curious about the interaction, new perspectives often emerge.

Sometimes this leads to a change in the relationship. At other times, it allows a person to see both the relationship and themselves more clearly and to choose greater distance or firmer boundaries. Both can be important steps toward a life with greater security and less suffering.

A reflection

When people seek help, they often want to know what they should do differently. This is a natural question. At the same time, there is rarely one piece of advice that suits every relationship. What helps in one relationship may make another more difficult. We therefore tend to begin somewhere else—by trying to understand what is actually happening.

Sometimes a relationship changes when one person begins to see it in a new way. At other times, both people need to change for their interaction to become different.

Sometimes it becomes clear that attention is directed almost entirely toward the other person—toward what they should understand, do, or change. An important step may then be to become curious about one’s own reactions and about what is happening within the interaction. This does not mean that responsibility is equally shared. It means that our own understanding is the part we are actually able to influence.

At other times, a person hopes to find exactly the right words. They have assumed responsibility for the relationship and want to learn how to communicate better. It is then important to consider whether finding the right words would, in fact, change the relationship for the better. The person has often spent a long time trying to be understood, accommodate the other person, and reduce the difficulties in the relationship.

In still other situations, greater understanding leads to the realization that the relationship cannot become what one wishes it to be. This, too, can be an important change. Understanding does not always mean remaining in a relationship, but it creates better conditions for making thoughtful and sustainable decisions.

– Maria Sandgren

When can it be helpful to seek support?

Many people spend a long time trying to resolve relationship difficulties on their own. They read books, listen to podcasts, talk to friends, or try to change the way they communicate. These are often valuable steps. Sometimes, however, the same patterns continue to recur despite a genuine wish for change.

It can be helpful to seek support when a relationship has been marked for a long time by recurring conflicts, silence, or a sense of being unable to reach one another. For some people, the difficulty lies in constantly adapting to the other person. For others, it involves feeling criticized, misunderstood, or inadequate. Sometimes the central problem is not the relationship itself, but how it affects one’s self-esteem, enjoyment of life, or mental health.

Conversations are not about deciding who is right or wrong

Therapy is rarely about deciding who is right or wrong or identifying one person as the problem who must be made to understand their mistakes. Instead, the aim is to develop a better understanding of the patterns that have emerged and the emotions evoked within the relationship. When we understand ourselves more fully, it also becomes easier to make considered decisions about how we want to relate to other people and what we can reasonably expect from them.

People do not have to attend therapy together to work on relationship difficulties. Many seek therapy on their own because they want to understand their recurring relationship patterns or find a different way of managing a difficult relationship. Even when the other person does not participate, greater self-understanding can make an important difference both to how the relationship develops and to one’s own well-being.

In some situations, it also becomes clear that change is not possible unless both people are willing to contribute. Therapy can then help clarify what possibilities actually exist, which boundaries need to be set, and how a person can care for themselves within a relationship that remains difficult.

Needing to seek help is not a failure

Seeking help is therefore not a sign of failure. It often reflects the importance of the relationship and a wish to understand it more fully. For many people, therapy offers an opportunity to pause, see their own patterns with fresh eyes, and find an approach that allows for greater freedom—whether this leads to a change in the relationship or a different way of living with it.

Talking with a psychologist can also bring a sense of relief. It offers an opportunity to speak openly, without demands or expectations, about what is happening in the relationship and how it is affecting both oneself and the other person.

When experiences that have previously been difficult to put into words are given space, our perspective often begins to change. What felt fixed becomes less so, and new ways of understanding both ourselves and the relationship can emerge. Sometimes it becomes apparent that there are more ways forward than initially seemed possible.

A reflection

It is not unusual for people to come to therapy wanting to be told what they should do. After some time, many discover that the most important change is not always finding an answer, but beginning to ask different questions. At the same time, they often begin to notice aspects of themselves and their lives that have been pushed aside as the conflict in the relationship has taken up more and more space.

What is actually happening inside me when we end up here again? Why is this particular situation so difficult? What am I trying to protect? What hurts? Who do I become in the conflict? What do I long for? What do I need?

When these questions are given space, the way we see the relationship often changes as well. Sometimes people find their way back to one another. At other times, it becomes clearer what they can reasonably expect from the other person, whether the good moments are only brief glimpses of the relationship they wish they had, which boundaries need to be set, or which decisions need to be made. Whatever the outcome, understanding often marks the beginning of greater freedom.

– Maria Sandgren

Blog

Relationship difficulties: Why do they arise and how can they change?

What are relationship difficulties?

How do relationship difficulties show?

It is easy to blame someone for doing something wrong

A reflection

Further reading

Books (in Swedish)

What research shows

When a relationship feels uncertain, why do such strong emotions arise?

How we respond in conflict

To stay or leave the relationship

A reflection

Further reading

Books (in Swedish)

What research shows

Why does it become so difficult to talk to each other?

Att söka har rätt och hitta förklaringar

Finding the right words is difficult

A reflection

Further reading

Books (in Swedish)

What research shows

What can we do when a relationship is not working as we would like?

Seeing the relationship in a different way

Seeing the relationship in a different way

Understanding and broadening perspectives is a first step

A reflection

Further reading

Books (in Swedish)

What research shows

When can it be helpful to seek support?

Conversations are not about deciding who is right or wrong

Needing to seek help is not a failure

A reflection

Further reading

Books (in Swedish)

What research shows

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