Self-esteem - Why it falters and how it can change
Updated: Sep 26
Many people describe themselves as having low self-esteem, but they may mean quite different things by it. Some constantly doubt their own worth. Others find it difficult to say no, feel inadequate, or become highly self-critical when something goes wrong. Still others appear confident on the outside while living with a persistent fear that they are not good enough.
Self-esteem is not about always liking ourselves or feeling confident. It is about how we relate to ourselves when life becomes difficult—when we fail, encounter setbacks, or feel rejected. It is shaped by our relationships and experiences, but it can also change as we begin to understand ourselves and our emotions in new ways.
In five sections, I write about what self-esteem is, how it develops through our relationships, why self-criticism so often becomes part of the problem, and how a more stable and compassionate sense of self-worth can develop.
What is self-esteem?
Self-esteem concerns our sense of worth as a person. It influences how we see ourselves in everyday life, but perhaps becomes most apparent when we encounter setbacks, criticism, or failure.
A person with a secure sense of self-worth will also sometimes doubt themselves and feel uncertain. The difference is that their self-esteem is not shattered by a mistake or rejection. Their sense of dignity does not depend on always succeeding, performing well, or receiving validation from others.
Low self-esteem is often described as a feeling of not being quite good enough. It may take the form of severe self-criticism, fear of making mistakes, difficulty setting boundaries, or a constant effort to live up to one’s own or other people’s expectations. Many people also become highly attentive to the reactions of others. A look, a comment, or silence can easily be interpreted as a sign that they have done something wrong or are not good enough. When self-criticism is already present within us, the people around us often become those from whom we seek confirmation that it is right.
How self-esteem and self-confidence differ
Self-esteem and self-confidence are often confused, but they refer to different things. Self-confidence describes our belief in our ability within a particular area—to learn a language, give a presentation, dance, or manage a job. In psychological research, the term self-efficacy is often used to describe this belief in one’s own ability.
Self-esteem, by contrast, concerns how we relate to our own worth. Our inner voice has often been shaped in relation to other people, but over time it can come to feel entirely our own. A person can therefore be highly competent and self-confident while still doubting their worth as a human being. In the same way, someone with secure self-esteem may feel uncertain when faced with a new task without beginning to question their value as a person.
Low self-esteem often affects life far beyond the thoughts we have about ourselves. Many people begin to hold back their needs, hesitate over decisions, avoid conflict, or adapt to others more than they really want to. Gradually, it becomes more difficult to live in accordance with what feels important, because so much energy is spent trying to avoid mistakes or criticism.
Nor is self-esteem something we either have or lack. It develops throughout life and is influenced by our relationships, our experiences, and the ways in which we learn to understand and respond to our emotions. This also means that vulnerable self-esteem can change over time.
A reflection
When people seek therapy, they rarely say that they want better self-esteem. Instead, they talk about doubting their decisions, finding it difficult to say no, feeling inadequate, or being harsh with themselves when something goes wrong. Self-criticism has often been present for so long that it feels like part of their personality.
Over time, many people discover that self-criticism is not an objective description of who they are. It is a way of trying to protect themselves from mistakes, rejection, or the feeling of not being good enough. When it becomes less controlling, something else often emerges: greater curiosity about their own emotions, needs, and relationships.
For many people, more secure self-esteem is therefore not about beginning to like themselves more. It develops when self-criticism is no longer allowed to define who they are and when it becomes possible to listen more closely to their own emotions, needs, and experiences.
I have often seen that change does not begin when people try to strengthen their self-esteem. It begins when they become curious about it—when self-criticism is no longer taken for granted but can be explored with the same openness as other emotions and experiences. It then becomes possible to discover that our worth does not have to be earned over and over again. Instead, it can rest in the experience of being human—imperfect, vulnerable, and valuable at the same time.
– Maria Sandgren
Further reading
This text draws on my clinical experience as a psychologist, together with research on emotions, relationships, well-being, and mental health. Below is a selection of books and scientific articles for those who would like to explore the subject further.
The books listed below are in Swedish. They reflect the literature on self-esteem and self-compassion with which I am most familiar; the English-language sources included here are primarily research articles.
The books approach self-esteem mainly through the concept of self-compassion, describing how a kinder and more accepting relationship with oneself can contribute to a greater sense of inner security.
The scientific articles explore, among other things, how self-esteem and self-efficacy—belief in one’s own ability—can be understood, how they affect psychological well-being and everyday functioning, and which approaches and treatment methods have been shown to be effective.
If doubts about your own worth or abilities are limiting your life, it may be helpful to seek support from a licensed psychologist.
Books (in Swedish)
Compassioneffekten: att utveckla självtillit och inre trygghet – Christina Andersson
Självmedkänsla – Agneta Lagercrantz
Vad forskning visar
A study on self-esteem, which can be understood in terms of both a sense of one’s own worth (self-worth) and confidence in one’s own abilities (self-efficacy).
A study on the difference between self-esteem and self-efficacy.
A study on self-efficacy and its positive effects. High levels of self-efficacy contribute positively to self-esteem, optimism, well-being, and work performance.
A study on self-efficacy and its importance for planning for the future and life satisfaction.
A study on self-efficacy and self-esteem. Self-efficacy can influence self-esteem, while self-esteem can be associated with negative emotions.
A study on parents’ self-efficacy and how it can influence their children’s self-efficacy through their schooling.
How does self-esteem develop?
Self-esteem is not formed at a single point in time, nor is it something we are born with in a finished form. It develops gradually through our experiences, particularly in relation to other people. From early in life, we begin to form an understanding of ourselves based on how others respond to us, comfort us, understand us, and see us.
When our emotions are met with curiosity and care, it becomes easier to develop an inner sense of being good enough, even when life is difficult. If, instead, we are frequently met with criticism, rejection, or demands to be a certain way, we may begin to doubt our own worth. Many people learn early in life that certain emotions or needs do not seem to be welcome and therefore try to adapt in order to be accepted.
This does not mean that our self-esteem is determined by childhood. Throughout life, we are affected by our close relationships, our experiences, and the environments in which we live. A secure relationship can strengthen self-esteem, while repeated experiences of criticism, mistreatment, or exclusion can cause it to falter.
Self-esteem shapes how we see ourselves
Self-esteem is also influenced by how we interpret our experiences. Two people may go through similar events but draw different conclusions about themselves. For one person, a failure becomes something they can learn from. For another, it becomes proof that they are not good enough. Over time, such interpretations can become so familiar that they are experienced as truths rather than as ways of understanding oneself.
Self-esteem does not develop only through being seen and affirmed by others. It also grows stronger when we begin to live in closer contact with what matters to us. When we are able to express our needs, make our own decisions, develop our interests, and discover that we can influence our lives, our trust in ourselves also grows. Self-esteem is therefore not only about how others see us, but also about how we gradually begin to live in greater accordance with who we are.
Självkänslan kan förändras genom livet
Research suggests that self-esteem often changes throughout life. For many people, it is relatively high during childhood, declines during adolescence, and gradually becomes stronger in adulthood before becoming somewhat more vulnerable again later in life. This describes how self-esteem tends to develop across groups of people. For any one individual, the pattern may look quite different.
Regardless of age, secure self-esteem develops as we become increasingly able to remain in contact with our emotions, make decisions that feel grounded in our own experience, and develop close and mutual relationships. Self-esteem is rarely transformed by a single event, but rather through many small experiences of being allowed to be who we are.
Self-esteem is therefore shaped not only by what we have experienced, but also by how we relate to ourselves today. Through new experiences, close relationships, and a deeper understanding of our emotions, both our self-esteem and our trust in ourselves can gradually change.
A reflection
When people seek therapy, they rarely say that they want better self-esteem. Instead, they describe doubting themselves, finding it difficult to set boundaries, feeling inadequate, or becoming highly self-critical when something goes wrong. For many, the inner critic has been present for so long that it feels more truthful than their own experience.
Over time, many people discover that self-criticism is not an objective description of who they are. It is often a way of trying to protect themselves from painful emotions, from making mistakes, or from the risk of rejection. What may once have helped them cope with difficult experiences continues to shape how they see themselves, long after their circumstances have changed.
Becoming more open and compassionate towards ourselves
Change therefore rarely begins with trying to think more positively about oneself. More often, it begins with curiosity. What happens inside me when I become so harsh with myself? What is my self-criticism trying to protect me from? What do I long for instead?
When these questions are given more space, it also becomes easier to live in accordance with one’s own emotions and values rather than being guided by the fear of not being good enough. More secure self-esteem does not mean never doubting oneself or failing. It means that one’s worth no longer has to be proved over and over again. It becomes possible to live with greater freedom, to accept both one’s strengths and limitations, and to feel that one is good enough—even when life is imperfect.
– Maria Sandgren
Further reading
This text draws on my clinical experience as a psychologist, together with research on emotions, relationships, well-being, and mental health. Below is a selection of books and scientific articles for those who would like to explore the subject further.
The books listed below are in Swedish. They reflect the literature on self-esteem and self-compassion with which I am most familiar; the English-language sources included here are primarily research articles. The books approach self-esteem mainly through the concept of self-compassion, describing how a kinder and more accepting relationship with oneself can contribute to a greater sense of inner security.
The scientific articles explore how self-esteem develops throughout life, which factors influence it, and how it may change over time.
If doubts about your own worth or abilities are limiting your life, it may be helpful to seek support from a licensed psychologist.
Books (in Swedish)
Compassioneffekten: att utveckla självtillit och inre trygghet – Christina Andersson
Självmedkänsla – Agneta Lagercrantz
What research shows
A study on how self-esteem develops over time, from childhood to old age.
A study on factors that influence self-esteem. Different life factors affect self-esteem at different ages: education is more important in younger adulthood, while good health becomes increasingly important later in life.
A study on the importance of emotional awareness, autonomy, and close relationships for self-esteem.
How does low self-esteem show itself?
Low self-esteem is rarely just a matter of feeling insecure. More often, it becomes apparent in how we relate to ourselves, to other people, and to the choices we make in everyday life.
For many people, it first becomes noticeable in their relationship with themselves. The inner voice becomes self-critical, commenting on mistakes, magnifying shortcomings, and questioning decisions. What others might regard as an ordinary mistake can easily become proof that one is not good enough. Over time, this inner criticism can become so familiar that it is experienced as an objective truth rather than a habitual way of relating to oneself.
Feeling driven by low self-esteem and striving to do better
Low self-esteem also influences how we respond to the demands of life. Some people constantly strive to perform well, do the right thing, and meet high expectations. Success often brings temporary relief, but new demands or a renewed fear of not being good enough soon emerge. Others avoid situations in which they might fail, be judged, or feel inadequate.
It also affects our relationships. Many people become highly attentive to how others respond to them. A brief reply to a message, a change in someone’s tone of voice, or a critical comment can evoke intense uncertainty and anxiety. It becomes easy to interpret other people’s reactions as a measure of one’s own worth, even when many other explanations are possible. For some, this leads to adapting to others, finding it difficult to set boundaries, or frequently placing other people’s needs before their own.
Low self-esteem is not always visible to others
At the same time, low self-esteem is not always visible to others. Many people appear confident, successful, and competent while living with severe self-criticism and a persistent sense that they need to prove their worth. Others become more cautious, hesitate to take up space, or hold back their thoughts and wishes for fear of making a mistake.
What these experiences have in common is that self-esteem affects how life is lived. Many people refrain from doing things they genuinely want to do, postpone decisions, or suppress their needs for fear of being judged. Increasingly, their lives become organized around avoiding mistakes or criticism. The more we try to protect ourselves from doing something wrong, the less room remains for spontaneity, curiosity, and contact with what truly matters to us.
A reflection
When people seek therapy, they rarely say that they want better self-esteem. Instead, they describe being tired of doubting themselves, thinking too much before making decisions, or constantly worrying about doing something wrong. They describe a sense of holding themselves back, even though they know what they would really like to do.
It is easy to think of self-criticism as the enemy. In therapy, it often proves to be more complicated than that. It is frequently an attempt to protect us from painful emotions, from making mistakes, or from the risk of rejection. What may once have helped us cope with difficult experiences continues to shape how we see ourselves, long after our circumstances have changed.
Making more space for our own experience
For many people, change therefore does not come from trying to eliminate self-criticism. It occurs as self-criticism gradually takes up less space. This makes it easier to notice something else: what we actually feel, what we need, and what matters to us. When self-criticism no longer occupies all our attention, it also becomes easier to make decisions based on our own experience rather than on the fear of making a mistake.
More secure self-esteem may therefore be less about thinking differently about ourselves and more about reconnecting with our emotional lives. From there, it becomes possible to live with greater freedom, set boundaries, take up space, and build relationships that are not governed by a constant fear of not being good enough.
– Maria Sandgren
Further reading
This text draws on my clinical experience as a psychologist, together with research on emotions, relationships, well-being, and mental health. Below is a selection of books and scientific articles for those who would like to explore the subject further.
The books listed below are in Swedish. They reflect the literature on self-esteem and self-compassion with which I am most familiar; the English-language sources included here are primarily research articles. The books approach self-esteem mainly through the concept of self-compassion, describing how a kinder and more accepting relationship with oneself can contribute to a greater sense of inner security.
The scientific articles explore how traumatic experiences may affect self-esteem, how attachment and emotional processing are related to self-esteem, and which psychological processes may contribute to recovery and greater resilience.
If doubts about your own worth or abilities are limiting your life, it may be helpful to seek support from a licensed psychologist.
Books (in Swedish)
Compassioneffekten: att utveckla självtillit och inre trygghet – Christina Andersson
Självmedkänsla – Agneta Lagercrantz
What research shows
A study on traumatic experiences and self-esteem. Traumatic experiences in childhood can affect self-esteem in adulthood.
A study on relational trauma and self-esteem. Trauma in close relationships during adulthood can be associated with self-esteem, attachment, and emotional processing.
A study on emotional processing and trauma. Emotional processing can contribute to recovery following traumatic experiences in childhood.
A study on emotional processing and improved self-esteem. Emotional processing is associated with improved self-esteem and greater resilience.
How can self-esteem change?
Because self-esteem develops through our experiences, it can also change through new experiences. For many people, this is not about becoming someone else, but about gradually developing a different way of relating to themselves.
Change rarely begins by trying to think more positively about oneself. It often begins with becoming more aware of how we treat ourselves. When self-criticism is no longer taken for granted, it becomes possible to recognize the place it has come to occupy in our lives and how it affects our decisions, relationships, and well-being.
At the same time, our attention can gradually turn toward something else. What am I actually feeling in this situation? What do I need? What matters to me? Instead of being guided by the fear of making a mistake, our decisions can increasingly be grounded in our own experience and emotional lives.
Change can begin with an insight
Change rarely occurs through a single insight. It develops through many small experiences: expressing a need and discovering that the relationship remains intact; saying no without being rejected; daring to try something new despite feeling uncertain; or realizing that a mistake does not alter our worth as a person. It is through experiences like these that a more secure sense of self-worth gradually develops.
For many people, therapy provides an opportunity to have these new experiences. By exploring emotions, self-criticism, and recurring patterns together, it becomes possible to understand how they developed and the purpose they once served. As self-criticism gradually takes up less space, it also becomes easier to reconnect with one’s emotional life. From there, more secure self-esteem can develop—not because we have become flawless, but because we no longer need to allow the fear of making mistakes to govern our lives.
A reflection
Many people live with the idea that they first need to become more secure, braver, or more confident before they can begin living the life they long for. In therapy, however, I often see something different. What holds people back is rarely a lack of ability. More often, it is a fear of making mistakes, of not being good enough, or of other people discovering the shortcomings with which they themselves are already so preoccupied.
When self-criticism takes up a great deal of space, it can easily become the strongest voice within us. It becomes more difficult to hear what we feel, what we need, and what we actually think. Many people describe knowing what they ought to do, but no longer knowing what they themselves want.
Change is therefore not only about self-criticism becoming less powerful. It is also about allowing something else to occupy more space. When we reconnect with our emotional lives, it becomes easier to make decisions, set boundaries, and move toward what feels meaningful. More secure self-esteem is then not only a matter of how we value ourselves, but also of how firmly we are grounded in our own experience, emotions, and relationships.
– Maria Sandgren
Further reading
This text draws on my clinical experience as a psychologist, together with research on emotions, relationships, well-being, and psychological difficulties. Below is a selection of books and scientific articles for those who would like to explore the subject further.
The books listed below are in Swedish. They reflect the literature on self-esteem and self-compassion with which I am most familiar; the English-language sources included here are primarily research articles. The books approach self-esteem mainly through the concept of self-compassion, describing how a warm and accepting relationship with oneself, others, and one’s present experience can contribute to a greater sense of inner security.
The scientific articles explore how emotional processing can strengthen self-esteem and resilience, how coping with negative emotions may contribute to stronger self-esteem, and how psychotherapy may support both self-esteem and emotional processing.
If doubts about your own worth or abilities are limiting your life, it may be helpful to seek support from a licensed psychologist.
Books (in Swedish)
Compassioneffekten: att utveckla självtillit och inre trygghet – Christina Andersson
Självmedkänsla – Agneta Lagercrantz
What research shows
A study on emotional processing and improved self-esteem. Emotional processing is associated with improved self-esteem and greater resilience.
A study on processing negative emotions and self-esteem. Understanding and managing negative emotions can contribute to stronger self-esteem the following day.
A study on psychotherapy, self-esteem, and depression. Psychotherapy can strengthen self-esteem and reduce symptoms of depression.
A study on emotional processing as a therapeutic factor in psychotherapy. Emotional processing can be an important factor in the therapeutic process.
A study on ISTDP and emotional processing. ISTDP can help facilitate emotional processing.
Self-esteem is ultimately about our relationship with ourselves
Self-esteem is often described as something we possess to a greater or lesser degree. But it may be more helpful to understand it as a way of relating to ourselves.
When self-criticism dominates, it becomes easy to judge ourselves according to our mistakes, other people’s reactions, or the fear of not being good enough. Our attention is directed toward what we should have done differently and the risk of doing something wrong. Gradually, this can cause us to lose touch with our own emotions, needs, and values.
More secure self-esteem does not mean that doubt or self-critical thoughts disappear. Most people doubt themselves at times and make mistakes. The difference lies instead in what is allowed to guide us. When self-criticism no longer needs to have the final say, it becomes easier to listen to our own experience, make decisions based on what feels important, and approach both ourselves and others with greater openness.
The importance of a secure sense of self-worth
Throughout our lives, we will think about who we are and reflect on how we are doing, both within ourselves and in relation to others. When we have a sound sense of our own worth, it becomes easier to make our way through difficult periods. And when we experience ourselves as capable of managing difficult times, our trust in ourselves also grows. We know that we can rely on ourselves when facing both ordinary and more demanding challenges. This may involve learning something new or meeting new people. At other times, it may involve finding a way to live with loss and adversity. Over the course of our lives, we gradually discover where our strengths lie and where our trust in ourselves is more vulnerable.
Self-esteem may therefore be less about becoming someone else and more about gradually coming closer to who we already are.
A reflection
Over many years, I have met people who describe themselves as inadequate. When we begin to explore their experiences together, it often becomes clear that they do not lack ability, compassion, or courage. What they lack is trust in their own experience. Their self-criticism has become so powerful that it has come to define who they are.
What affects me most in therapy is therefore not the moment when people stop doubting themselves. It is the moment when they begin to listen to something other than their doubt—when they become curious about their emotions, make room for their needs, and discover that they do not have to live their entire lives in relation to the fear of making a mistake.
For me, more secure self-esteem is ultimately not about valuing oneself more highly. It is about being able to live in closer contact with oneself. From there, it also becomes easier to meet other people, make decisions, and live a life that feels more aligned with who one is.
– Maria Sandgren
Further reading
This text draws on my clinical experience as a psychologist, together with research on emotions, relationships, well-being, and mental health. Below is a selection of books and scientific articles for those who would like to explore the subject further.
The books listed below are in Swedish. They reflect the literature on self-esteem and self-compassion with which I am most familiar; the English-language sources included here are primarily research articles. The books approach self-esteem mainly through the concept of self-compassion, describing how a kinder and more accepting relationship with oneself can contribute to a greater sense of inner security.
The scientific articles explore the relationship between self-esteem, psychological well-being, and health, as well as how emotional processing and emotion regulation may contribute to more secure self-esteem over time.
If doubts about your own worth or abilities are limiting your life, it may be helpful to seek support from a licensed psychologist.
Books (in Swedish)
Compassioneffekten: att utveckla självtillit och inre trygghet – Christina Andersson
Självmedkänsla – Agneta Lagercrantz
What research shows
A study on the relationship between self-esteem, well-being, and health. Self-esteem is associated with psychological well-being and health.
A study on emotional processing, self-esteem, and resilience. Emotional processing is associated with improved self-esteem and greater resilience.
A study on managing negative emotions and self-esteem. The ability to manage negative emotions can contribute to stronger self-esteem over time.
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If something in this text resonates with your own situation and you would like to make a change in your life, you are welcome to book a first session.
